Coming out of the Dark

Thursday, July 13, 2006

TRB and other goodies....

Hi again, everyone :)
After a long and much needed hiatus, I thought I'd check in and catch up a little with you all. I hope everyone is getting by okay :). The past couple of months have been chaotic to say the least, from being summoned to court by TRB (the ratbastard), for- Yes, you're reading this correctly- FULL custody of MY boys!!!! There have been a series of sit down meetings leading up to last weeks court date. TRB claimed the boys had asked him if they could live with him. Actually P had, after a particularly heated discussion about why he could not attend a party at his 16 year old cousin's house where there were no parents (TRB's family, of course). P is 12- it's just not going to happen. As often happens in divided families, when one parent puts a foot down, the other one is the good guy, and the child will decide they might cut a sweeter deal at the other place. TRB took this and ran with it. I'm happy to say, it was a total waste of his money and time. My boys remain with me. The Judge did all but tell him he was a complete moron, and advised him that when decisions I make for the good of the boys are presented, he should certainly back me up. His words "Those boys need a father, not another best buddy".. P is fine, and in the weeks leading up to the court date, told both Me and RB that he really was ok with staying here. I took advantage of my courtroom time (and astronomical legal fees) to set a few more things straight. Child support was to remain as is- The Judge, however, noted there had not been an increase in 10 years, and increased it. RB may see the boys every other weekend, If they so choose,but he is not allowed to drive them anyplace in his car ( he recently bought a car and in 2 months has had 1 DUI and a speeding ticket). Health insurance is not optional- he will provide it or go to jail. I had, since he had ours cancelled, enrolled us in a plan, and now he is responsible for the premium, which will be deducted from his wages. I'm not really happy about any of this, with the exception of the custody issue. I really wasn't looking for more money or insurance, but I do derive some satisfaction in seeing the fucktard bite himself in the ass :)
Next on the agenda was my surgery. A few months back I discovered a lump on my breast. Going in for a simple lumpectomy turned out to be far more than I'd bargained for.there were several "suspicious" lumps that I'd not detected- I was advised to have a mastectomy. none of the biopsies were malignant, but the risk I guess is high. I did go for 2 more opinions and the other 2 Dr.s didn't feel it was necessary to treat them so agressively at this point. I will have to have more frequent follow up screenings, but presently I am lump-free and all other tests have been negative.
Both my boys graduated last month , P from Elementary school, and S from Middle school :) I was so very proud of them both- S recieved numerous awards, P made it through the school year going up 2 grades in each subject. That's remarkable for P, as he still struggles with ADD and Bipolar :) He's such a different child than he was a few years ago- he's really driven to succeed now, where before he just didn't care. We have our frequent power struggles, and they're even tougher because of is behavioral issues, but he's maturing, and learning to choose his battles, as am I :)
BF and I are doing surprisingly well- the counseling, I'm certain is the key, but the daughter and xwife have been treating him like a dog, so I think he's beginning to appreciate me a tad more. He's always, for the most part treated me quite well, but things were getting stale, and he had Zee-ro patience with the boys- that's improved tremendously!!The end of the month the boys and I will be going off to the beach for a week- B/F will stay behind, as he and his nephew have just started a major contracting job, but we'll be going away in September, so he's happy- he's not the best person to have around at the height of tourist season, anyway :) Can we say "people person??"
In even more positive news, I took 2 classes for the first summer session and kicked ass!! I might be getting the hang of this school thing after all- *note to self- re-read this last paragraph next semester when you're wanting to bail :)

That's all the news that's fit to print at the moment- I hope everyone is well- I've missed you!
Peace and Love to All ***
Mad

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Friday, May 12, 2006

6 Weird Things About Me

I was tagged by Lauren. Thanks, Sweetie!
"The rules are, once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 6 weird things or habits about yourself. In the end you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog

You heard it here first!!
1. I am ambidextrous (sp) . I can write with ease using either hand, although I favor the right because most things are Righty-friendly. In my school days the nuns tried desperately to save me by slapping the back of my left hand with a ruler every time they caught me using it. Something about "left handed demons"..

2. I am fiercely competitive- there's a word game I play where the highest scorers for the day are listed. Each day I HAVE to go there,play until I knock whoever is in 1st place out, then leave :)

3. I refuse to use any restroom but my own, unless it's a dire emergency. Once on a looong road trip, I made b/f stop at a monastary (they always look so immaculate). Those poooooooooor men are probably still recovering.

4. In relation to #3, I am a serious germophobe. Odors make me nuts, too. I carry a small can of concentrated air freshener in my purse (Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea ). If you smell, and insist upon invading my personal air space, I spray :)


5. I have frequent premonitions- 99% of the time they are accurate. When I was younger, I lost a close friend in an auto accident- The night before, I dreamed repeatedly of his car pulling up in front of my house, but nobody was in it. I've learned to listen to these thoughts, and have avoided some pretty scary stuff.




6. When I am alone, I spend my time in a dark room with the door closed- I Don't really come to life until someone is home with me.Then it's business as usual.


So there you have it- I'm sure thee are a few much weirder thigs about me- I've just not embraced them yet :)
I think you'v all been tagged, but if you haven't yet- here's an open invitation to do so :) Just leave me a note so I can compare my weirdness to yours )
Peace ,*
Mad

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Monday, May 08, 2006

A Rock Feels No Pain...

So, once again it's been too long. It seems sometimes the longer I stay away the harder it is to come back. I feel like a slug for not writing and visiting you all. The drama just keeps unfolding here, with ex problems, health concerns, and a million other little gems. I used to think that those of us who suffer with depression were less capable than those who do not. I recall back in the days before I sought treatment, how much of a struggle it was to venture out (still is) and even the simplest tasks( housecleaning,working, showering,paying bills, playing with kids, the list goes on) were major chores for me and often put aside waiting for a brighter day. I would often take advantage of my "up" days and usually burn myself out trying to give attention to all the things I neglected for so long. My thinking today is, in looking at the challenges I've faced in the past weeks, I would challenge anyone- depressed or not- to tackle this crap and still come out the other side as sane as they were going in. My last rant was all about Cybil, now to be known as "The RatBastard" or TRB. That story just keeps unfolding and twisting and turning into the be-all end-all of all ex-person nightmares. I won't bore you all with every detail, but he just sucks. I was called upon by a lawyer to "cease making phone calls and appealing to him for money" WTFFF?? The less I hear/see of this man, the happier I am. I haven't called him- he called ME, and He asked ME for money...I, less than politely declined and there you have it. Fortunately, I have records of his repeated, unanswered emails and their contents are not flattering to his demeanor..So that just keeps getting bigger and better. My sons still do not have insurance. I can't even tell where we are at this point- I have my lawyer handling it. TRB just thinks if he ignores it long enough it will go away(kinda like me?).
In other news, I had a bit of a scare, which isn't really over with yet, although I feel pretty good about it all at this point. Last month I discovered a lump on my breast. No biggie, actually, I have had them before and they are cysts. This one, however was a little different and I had it checked. Last week it was aspirated and I will be having the whole thing removed next week. Just a day procedure, but scary nonetheless. I also did something last month I haven't done in years- I stopped taking my meds. It's hard to describe, but it has happened before- I develop this weird aversion to pills- all forms -and I cannot bring myself to swallow them to save my soul. On the occasion I force myself to do so, I usually barf within 5 minutes. That has not done wonders for my state of mind- I go through each day knowing what I SHOULD do, and accomplishing nothing. I can't watch tv, read, write, occasionally I can play a game on the computer, but I become too agitated to pay attention, and usually bug off int he middle of a game. The boys have been busy with school and sports, P got an A+ on his cloning project, Yaym P! and every bit of energy I can muster goes into trying to keep things together here for them. My own childhood was so lacking in parental attention, as my Mom worked so much, I have always tried to provide them with as much stability as possible. They're older now, though, and can see much more- I can see them trying to help me more- I don't accept help as readily as I probably should- My biggest fear is someday not being well enough to care for myself and them thinking they have to do it. I would rather go out Kevorkian -style than burden them with that.The end of school is approaching- Yes I have managed to get my ass there, although I'm pretty disappointed in my performance- I think I will come out with pretty decent, if not pretty good grades, but I know if I had my shit together it would be alot better. First things first, though, as my Friends of Bill so often remind me :) I think they also suggested I keep things simple...Now if I can pull that off, Forrest gump will become Pope :) Now off I go to catch up a bit.
In the immortal words of Albert Einstein:
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." Albert Einstein
.... My Hero :)
I hope you all are well,
Much love to you all,
Mad***

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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Mercy Sakes!!!

OK, First, I had a super-cool image to upload, but alas, I am a blogtard, and it's not to be. I will eventually master this, but first I have to read about it- I'm not good at reading directions- I'm the one who glues everything together and prays :)
I have to make a correction re: my previous blog. I am NOT, repeat NOT taking 100 mg of Lexapro a day I take 30- lol I mistakenly mixed up that dose with that of another med I'm taking, Topomax- Yikes! I imagine I would be somewhere in the bowels of Miss Bab's Blogville asylum, in solitary, eating roaches and contemplating the true meaning of the M&M candies colors and taming rodents to deliver secret messages upstairs to the other inmates.

The ex, (Cybil) has a new mission in life- It's to drive me straight to the very place mentioned above. It's really sad, actually to watch a grown man with the horrible disease of alcoholism progress into a paranoid, delusional, pathologically lying deviant who has nothing better to do than try to gain back his control (of me). His latest mission is in regards to child support- I obtained a court order for the same 9 years ago- the amount has not changed- I certainly could have gone back for increases over the years, but it was important to me to be able to provide for my sons independent of anyone else and part of me secretly wanted to show him I could. And I did, and have. I'm much more proud of the fact that I have raised 2 very nice young men, who know they are loved, and trust me to talk to about anything. Well, Cybil has applied for disability benefits, and therefore the boys will be awarded money as well, as part of these benefits. There is a whole list of conditions, and I will be required to keep track of how that money is used, to be sure I'm not blowing it on booze and gambling like some parents might *cough*, and submit a report a couple of times a year- Cybil recieved notification of the boys benefits and is fuming!! He thinks they are taking away from him in order to provide for the boys- As it was explained to me- that's not the case- he would recieve the same amount whether the boys got anything or not..Endless phone calls and emails from Cybill asking me to help him out and verbal abuse has nearly driven me over the edge. I have NO control over what the Dept of Revenue, Feds, or anyone else does- he doesn't get that- I think what he really wants is for me to say "Ok, Cyb, I'll just take a chunk of those funds and hand them over to you, so you may live in the manner in which you are accustomed..I won't. First of all, as I said, I have to account for all of it, and show proof of how the $ was used- Second, he's an asshole, end of story.
The next bomb dropped was when I went to get P's meds last week- The cashier cheerfully punched in her numbers and says "That will be $494, please" WTF!!!!!????
Our health insurance, ( another mandated court thing, for him to keep them on his plan) was terminated due to non-payment of the premium. P's meds alone, not counting therapist and pdoc, will cost in excess of $3500 per month. I called Cyb and very non-threateningly asked him what was up- He went on a tirade yelling and cussing telling me he refuses to support me..I tried to reason, even offering to share the expense, which was met with more accusations, including the comment "even your own son (P) thinks you're a C***. I tried, I really tried..

A call to the lawyer and he has until Wednesday to have the boys insurance reinstated or he will be arrested for contempt. This is worse than when we were going through a divorce. Now he has his girlfriend calling me, and his own family has told him to stop- His mother ( yes he lives with mom, and contributes nothing to her for doing so) had the upstairs phone line removed, so if he wants to call me , he has to do so downstairs in plain view and hearing of anyone around. I didn't tell her about his calls, she heard them.. This is the soap opera I divorced many years ago, revisiting my life once again. I've done my best to ignore it, and won't take his calls, although he does manage to get through when the boys are home, as I don't want them to be dragged into the middle.

Hard to imagine I once felt something for this man. Even harder to see him evolve into a very bitter old man, who has managed to alienate his family and friends. He once was a very handsome,caring, intelligent man, the one I married. This, my friends, is alcoholism. The brunt of the damage falls upon the afflicted one, but what a ripple effect!!.. I left him to protect my sons from having to live with it on a daily basis- All I can really do to protect them now is validate their feelings, when and if they ever choose to talk about that. I have gently talked about it in a casual way, and mindful to not talk directly about it in relation to anyone we know. P, especially is fiercely loyal and protective of Cybil..It's a tough call, so I really won't discuss it unless one of them approaches me.
Sorry this has been such a long-winded whining session, but I can't really talk to B about it when the boys are nearby (most of the time), although he's been very supportive and especially comforting- I just needed to get this all out. If you're still here, thanks for listening:)

I hope you are all well :)
Peace and Love*,
Mad

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Friday, April 07, 2006

K: Portrait of a Middle Aged Runaway

So, yes, I am , in fact, still among the living. It's been another tough few weeks, with so much going on and a vicious cycle of insomnia keeping me awake most nights until 3 a.m. or later (earlier?). Thank you all who have emailed and left messages- I truly suck for not at least hopping in to say "my life sucks but I still love you all".. My Jewish mothers have guilted me into coming out from my self-imposed exile to say "hey".. * Note: If you are Jewish this is NOT a slam- We ALL know what Jewish mother's are like , bless their hearts :) And, no you all didn't really guilt me- I know I've gone astray, I need that kick in the ass now and then :)

Emotionally, I've just been kinda stagnant- It may be the change in seasons, and if so it generally lasts a few weeks, then, like a spring flower I blossom into.... ROBO-Bitch!!!

That's when I get a burst of energy and whip my house, kids, and anything else that annoys me into shape! So far I have in my grand plan to redecorate my dining room, my bedroom, and plant some herbs and veggies outside. We'll see how that goes.

B is doing so much better- hard to keep a good man down, I guess - Or is it good to keep a....? :)

He jokes about me "poisoning " him with baked ziti - hahaha We all know if I wanted to off him he'd be fertilizing those lovely weeping willows as we speak :)

Babs, I love your new term "lexacoma" hahahaha so verrry true!!! I am up to 100 mg daily- it's kicking ass with me, but whatcha gonna do? I do know this- Do NOT ever just stop taking it- Miss Nurse know-it-all did that once and became a homicidal maniac!! Made Joan Crawford look like MaryfuckingPoppins!! Ahhhh the good old days, eh?
In other news, therapy is going very well- I'm still deeply affected by my frequent trips down memory lane- I hate this- I wish I could simply get over this crap- close the door and don't look back. I tend to minimize things in regards to my feelings and things that have hurt me, thinking it's all in the past and often making excuses for those who hurt me- I'm getting better at accepting that horrible things were done and said and they were wrong, just wrong-It does seem to me that when I face some things and verbalize them, the process is painful, but the outcome is a positive one in that I feel as though another heavy load has been lifted , not removed- I can't erase things, but processing them seems to put them back where they belong- In my past :)

I hope you all are doing well, I cannot access the tower still-And I really really miss you all there!!
Lisa- I'll leave you a comment but if you see this first- email me :)

Talk to you all soon!
Peace*
Mad

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Friday, March 31, 2006

Femme Fatale

That's me! .. Not really, but thinking maybe my baked ziti did him in (almost) . *sheepish grin*.
So, B has been ill. It started with what he described as "indigestion", and despite my urging him to see a Doc, he kept blowing it off and od-ing on Tums...One of the things that annoys the shit outta me is whenever he complains, I tell him what he should do- After all, I AM a nurse, and a reasonably smart one at that. Does he listen? Noooooooo!!! He'll talk to one of his buddies, (usually the chef, or the computer geek) and they will often times give him the very same advice- THEN he does it!! Arrrgggg!!!
Ok so back to last weekend- this shit always happens on weekends. B's Doc is a relly nice guy- they are long time friends and have been so since before I was born :) Nice, however doesn't necessarily mean effective in some cases. Anyway, I finally convince B to call said Doc friend, and he finally, after my urging him to, agrees B should be seen. We meet him in the ER, where the usual tests are run, and surprise! B has a bit of a cardiac episode in the works. He was admitted and had an angioplasty done (where they attempt to clear occluded coronary arteries) and has 3, yes count em' THREE stents placed. He was functioning on just more than half capacity, NOT good!
Besides me, he is the worst patient I've ever known. But in my own defense, at least I have legitimate reasoning behind my non-compliance- I know what's available to me, and what I will and will not tolerate. He just refuses things because he can. I got a call from the hospital on day one. B is refusing to allow blood tests. WTF? why?? because "I'm sick of it all " Ok, B, says I- pack your bag and come home to die". He took his tests , I'm sure thinking he'd rather suffer at the hands of a phlebotomist than suffer the wrath of Me :)
Between this hospital bullshit and everything else, I am more than exhausted- He's home and doing well, thankfully, but I patiently await his apology for being such an ass - better not hold my breath :)
In other news, I'm feeling a little better today- the past 2 weeks have been a roller coaster, one day I'm feeling motivated, the next it's all I can do to get out of bed. P had a huge tantrum the other night, maaan, haven't seen one of those in close to a year- We were working on his cloning project when I suggested we try something different- He completely wigged!! Ripped everything he'd done into a million pieces, said I was a control freak hahahaha wait till he's old enough to have a girlfriend :)
I waited until the next day when he was calm, to make him redo the work he'd destroyed- He was not a happy camper- He's always been coddled by me- maybe too much, alot because I often feel tremendous guilt about his being bipolar- Like it's my fault.. Yes, genetics and all, but when it comes to my children, rational thoughts escape me. ANd of course, being who I am, it's so convenient to blame myself for things I truly have no control over.
The boys are having friends over tonight, So off I go to get snacks and such- I hope You are all well. I'll be back to catch up with all of your blogs later. I miss you all more than you can know.
Love and Peace*,
Mad

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

Cloning, Ranting, and Baked Ziti..

So I hit the send button before I even wrote the body here. Neat title, nonetheless :). Notice I've been incorporating food into my titles? That's because I know of one other person here that loves to eat as much as I do *nudging my wicked twin*.
First my rant so I can go back to living a civilized life. I woke up today in a mood that would make the meanest bad-asses cry out for their mommies. Nothing was right, and just the sound of B's voice could easily send me over the edge. Sometimes I wonder wtf people are thinking, or if they even do. I got up this morning to the sound of his voice telling Patrick to clean my car., and NOT in a nice way. It just set the tone for the rest of my day. Nothing he could do was right after that, so I figured I'd get myself out and allow us some time apart until I could chill. P and I went to the Library to do some research for an upcoming school project. He is presenting "cloning" , which I'm actually enjoying learning more about. At the library,( which is sooo cool- they just spent millions rebuilding it and it is awesome!) we went to check out some books- Now up until recently, Cybil had their library cards. There is a smaller branch right next to his house, and so it was just convenient for them to visit while they were there. They didn't visit often because both their schools have huge libraries and we always found what we needed at school. Soooo checkout was fun- 87 freakin' dollars in the hole because there were numerous unreturned materials!!!!!!! (hahah had to laugh, tho- one of the missings was a book called "prozac nation" ..Wondering if Cybil was considering it) hahhahahaha...Well, still in my very black mood, I drive over to Cyb's and tell him about the missing things, and the cost- What an ASS- he's ready to write a check- Instead, I move past him and right up to his computer room, and find everything!!! What a complete idiot! I then go back to the library- return the things, the lady waives the overdue fines, and I have P's card transferred to MY address, and a new card and # issued..Cyb calls me later and asks me if I still needed the $, so I said to myself- screw it- He inconvenienced and embarrassed me, I had to drive all over to get the books we need, So, because I'm big on NOT lying I said "there were over $50 in fines" just omitting the fact that they were also waived :)) No guilt there- He's never paid a copayment or dentist bill in his life. (see how I justify my evil? *grin*)
I came home, and because B is kind of a picky eater(actually he HAS to be, ulcers, etc.) I decided to make baked ziti with my world famous made-from-scratch sauce. I should be locked up on days like today-B ate it without a word.. It was truly delectable, but knowing I made it just to feed my bitchfest left me feeling a tad guilty.
Last night I watched "Deliverance" with Jon Voight. OMG.. I recall the dueling banjos, but actually when the film came out, I was much too young to see it. Creepy stuff! Just plain weird!
But I watched it all, by myself, long after B and the guys had gone to bed. Maybe that's why I was in such a mood today...
I am off to visit Pogoland and play games until I can't see straight- Hope You all are well :)
Later!! xoxoxo
Peace*,
Mad

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