Monday, February 27, 2006
Woman, interrupted...
Greetings from sick bay! Thankfully I am finally feeling better- ended up going to the Doc's house on Sat (he's a friend) and I had pneumonia all this time!! He changed my antibiotic and gave me some super-nice cough syrup and an inhaler- the worst is over- said I should have been on this 2 weeks ago- The boys and B are over it, fortunately, (of course miss nurse was vigilant in checking their lung sounds throughout this but not her own :) ) So we are all pretty much back to biz as usual..Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between my depression or general lousiness when I'm sick- I haven't been answering my phone unless it's b or the kids, and have basically been isolating myself- I know I have a busy week ahead with a gazillion appointments and school (I see the new therapist Wednesday *fingers crossed*) so I can't afford to be antisocial- Often times when I have things to do and don't want to go out, I manage to get myself out by visualizing myself coming home after it's all done and closing the door. Such an element of safety behind my door, I just hate that I put myself down when I can't bring myself to venture out..
I've created more of a monster by getting this new living room furniture- It's soooo comfy and welcoming- I could park myself in there and remain for days! :)
I had some reading to do for school this past week that really hit home- It was about how people cope with intense feelings- How some have the ability to remove themselves from situations that are too intense for them to handle and how others yet do things to "distract" (for lack of a better word) themselves. One topic covered was self-injury. I never thought myself to have this trait, but reading it really hit home. I've never "cut" per se, but there have been times, even in my very recent past, when I am extremely overwhelmed that I've "scratched" myself. By this I mean clenching my hands very tightly, or digging my nails deeply into the backs of my hands. The most recent episode was several weeks ago when b/f had a meltdown- I usually cope pretty well during these on the surface- I think it's my professional training that allows me to take charge and detach myself from it while it's actually happening- It's afterwards when I'm left alone to re-hash it all and think about why it frightens me so much that I just can't cope- I hate myself for allowing myself to be subjected to it, and loathe myself for not getting out of this relationship. He's trying with therapy and meds, and I feel deep down I should be supportive- Goddess knows he has seen me through some very tough times, and was the only one in my life at the time to tell me it was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok, that P was going to be ok, too. He always told me what a great Mom I am, and that he would always be here to help me.
So how can I not support him ?
I'm so very torn- his behavior has been better, but he has his moments- That I understand only too well- I just wish I could cope with all of this in a healthier way- I don't want to hurt myself physically or emotionally -I don't want to feel as though his anger is my fault- I have such a hard time dealing with other people's anger, when it's misdirected toward me or my sons.. The past few weeks, he's been hinting toward changing pdocs (M is his pdoc as well) . I suspect he wants to avoid the issues- I don't want to dictate to him what he should do- I do, however want to know that he IS addressing these things with whoever he goes to- I think he wants to start fresh so he can talk about what he chooses and avoid this altogether- A new doc wouldn't know these things unless he tells him- I hate that if he starts his bullshit back up, I'll have to make him leave- I do love him- but it's not just about him or me- I need to think of my sons, too. In so many ways he's a wonderful partner- I don't expect perfection- I just expect and demand effort- I feel as though he's losing his steam, doesn't want to put forth the effort-
I know as well as so many others how incidious mental illess is- I know so well the daily struggles, the sleepless nights, the anger, loneliness, fear, - How hard we have to push ourselves to just get ourselves out of bed, clean, go to a store, talk to people...I hate that keeping our relationship alive may not be enough for him to want to keep trying.. Today he asked me if I was "happy".. I only recall being happy 2 times in my life- The births of my sons... How could I answer that?? I didn't share that with him- I feel he resents them as it is. I simply said "I'm working on it"... and changed the subject....
I'm trying to make more of an effort in writing about my deeper feelings here- I'm very good- an expert, really, on skirting the issue of ME.
I'm looking at the tiny scars on my hands and thinking how very much we all deserve to be free.. The "tension" scars, as I call them are superficial... The deep ones I keep well hidden..I think it's time to expose them and face them... Wish me luck..
Love and Peace to you all,
Mad***
7:15 PM |
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