Monday, May 08, 2006
A Rock Feels No Pain...
So, once again it's been too long. It seems sometimes the longer I stay away the harder it is to come back. I feel like a slug for not writing and visiting you all. The drama just keeps unfolding here, with ex problems, health concerns, and a million other little gems. I used to think that those of us who suffer with depression were less capable than those who do not. I recall back in the days before I sought treatment, how much of a struggle it was to venture out (still is) and even the simplest tasks( housecleaning,working, showering,paying bills, playing with kids, the list goes on) were major chores for me and often put aside waiting for a brighter day. I would often take advantage of my "up" days and usually burn myself out trying to give attention to all the things I neglected for so long. My thinking today is, in looking at the challenges I've faced in the past weeks, I would challenge anyone- depressed or not- to tackle this crap and still come out the other side as sane as they were going in. My last rant was all about Cybil, now to be known as "The RatBastard" or TRB. That story just keeps unfolding and twisting and turning into the be-all end-all of all ex-person nightmares. I won't bore you all with every detail, but he just sucks. I was called upon by a lawyer to "cease making phone calls and appealing to him for money" WTFFF?? The less I hear/see of this man, the happier I am. I haven't called him- he called ME, and He asked ME for money...I, less than politely declined and there you have it. Fortunately, I have records of his repeated, unanswered emails and their contents are not flattering to his demeanor..So that just keeps getting bigger and better. My sons still do not have insurance. I can't even tell where we are at this point- I have my lawyer handling it. TRB just thinks if he ignores it long enough it will go away(kinda like me?).In other news, I had a bit of a scare, which isn't really over with yet, although I feel pretty good about it all at this point. Last month I discovered a lump on my breast. No biggie, actually, I have had them before and they are cysts. This one, however was a little different and I had it checked. Last week it was aspirated and I will be having the whole thing removed next week. Just a day procedure, but scary nonetheless. I also did something last month I haven't done in years- I stopped taking my meds. It's hard to describe, but it has happened before- I develop this weird aversion to pills- all forms -and I cannot bring myself to swallow them to save my soul. On the occasion I force myself to do so, I usually barf within 5 minutes. That has not done wonders for my state of mind- I go through each day knowing what I SHOULD do, and accomplishing nothing. I can't watch tv, read, write, occasionally I can play a game on the computer, but I become too agitated to pay attention, and usually bug off int he middle of a game. The boys have been busy with school and sports, P got an A+ on his cloning project, Yaym P! and every bit of energy I can muster goes into trying to keep things together here for them. My own childhood was so lacking in parental attention, as my Mom worked so much, I have always tried to provide them with as much stability as possible. They're older now, though, and can see much more- I can see them trying to help me more- I don't accept help as readily as I probably should- My biggest fear is someday not being well enough to care for myself and them thinking they have to do it. I would rather go out Kevorkian -style than burden them with that.The end of school is approaching- Yes I have managed to get my ass there, although I'm pretty disappointed in my performance- I think I will come out with pretty decent, if not pretty good grades, but I know if I had my shit together it would be alot better. First things first, though, as my Friends of Bill so often remind me :) I think they also suggested I keep things simple...Now if I can pull that off, Forrest gump will become Pope :) Now off I go to catch up a bit.
In the immortal words of Albert Einstein:
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." Albert Einstein
.... My Hero :)
I hope you all are well,
Much love to you all,
Mad***
8:27 PM |
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