Coming out of the Dark

Sunday, January 29, 2006

For Lauren and Clance'

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret liesI'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion sizeBut when I start to tell them They think I'm telling lies. I say It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips The stride of my steps The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
I walk into a room Just as cool as you please And to a man The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees Then they swarm around me A hive of honey bees. I say It's the fire in my eyes And the flash of my teeth The swing of my waist And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Men themselves have wondered What they see in me They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say It's in the arch of my back The sun of my smile The ride of my breasts The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say It's in the click of my heels The bend of my hair The palm of my hand The need for my care. 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me :)

Happy Birthday to 2 Amazing Ladies, for much more than just what's stated above :)
Peace**,
Mad

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Saturday, January 28, 2006

Double, Double, Toil and trouble..

Yes, I've just returned from Salem, Mass. witch capitol of the world.. Well, ok, Witch capitol of the Northeast? What a great day! I visit there at least 3 times a year, the last time being after Thanksgiving, when I ordered myself a new cloak. It's been ready 3 weeks and I'm just getting there- Quite nice, I must say :) I did alot of window shopping and purchased some ingredients and other things that are harder to find around here- There are a million and one "New Age" kind of places here, but most carry cheap crap, like "teenage spell books, complete with a vial of dragon's blood to make the one you love , love you back..uuughh! Babs I found some candles!!! Just plain white glass, sans "Hey-suse" and company ! Yay me! lol

Anyway, school was better than I expected. I like the instructors and all, one guy is a dead -ringer for Michael J. Fox- I swear, he looks about 20! Wonder if he's into "Extra credit" projects? hmm.. lol
On the home front, b/f is back to normal for the moment- he apologised for being a twit, as did I. I even wore that Gawd-Awful perfume last night- what a sport-model I am, eh??
The boys are with Cybil this weekend- OMG what a relief- not for the boys being here, but Cybil has no reason to call here when they are there- He has a new computer- Now he really is an intelligent guy in many ways- computers , however are not his forte' - therefore, I've had the privelege of being called a minimum of 5 times a day with questions about this and that- I really try to be patient, as I remember how it was for me when I got my first computer- And of course we all know how HTML challenged I am, lol.. But really- 5 freakin' times a day? I do NOT like this man- I am civil, even nice to him because of the boys, but omg it's so hard not to tell him to just..just.... aaarrgghh!!
Next weekend we are having an anniversary Mass for my mom- it's been 14 years since she passed- Seems like yesterday..:( Funny my brothers always have a mass said for her on the anniversary in the Catholic church- She wasn't catholic, but they all are- My Dad was, and as he was still in the picture when they were born, he wanted them baptized, etc. ..They stayed with it..
Mom died on My Birthday 14 years ago- She was 62- reading Sooner's blog sure brought it all back- She had been to the doc earlier that day and was given a clean bill of health- she did have problems, but everything was stable- he actually said she was doing better than he's seen her in a very long time. I tried to call her late that afternoon, and got no answer. My brother , who lived close by, went over to check on her.. She was gone.. They tried CPR, got her going, and to the ER, but she failed again in the ambulance, and a final time in the ER..It was very strange- When I called my brother to go and check on her, I felt something- I KNEW she was gone.. long before I got the call, I knew..Sometimes, I miss her so much i feel my own heart will cease..It's just this gut-wrenching empty ache that I get when I remember how close we had become as i grew up- I'm so grateful for that- She truly was my best friend.
In other news, I had a nice call today- A friend of mine is a Vice squad cop- yesterday he got a letter from Patrick (my 12 year old) . He had sent it from school - Asking Mr. S if he would come to school and talk to his class about becoming a policeman and telling them how important it is to stay in school- Mr. S was floored! He was so touched that P did that- I was Sooo proud of P, too :) I had to laugh , though- It's not like he can share much about his job in vice with a group of 6th graders lolol "Today we busted up a crack house just south of where we are right now, and the bitch tried to stick me with a dirty needle, so we kicked her ass" lol He really wouldn't do that(beat up a crack ho, I mean) but my twisted sense of humor was fueled by the thought :)
ok, enough rambling- i do hope you are all well- And someone Pull-eeezze - hop over to "the tower" when you can- I am chat deprived..
Denise and Tiny- Just want you to know you're in my thoughts- And K- I'm lightin' one every night for ya :)
haha i just thought that last line sounded like Miss Jean from Romper Room- Anyone as old as I remember her and her magic mirror??
Lawd I need more caffiene!!! :)
Peace*,
Mad***

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Screw Guilt Rant

Hope you all are doing ok. Thanks for your messages and Birthday wishes- I can't explain it, but when someone drops a comment, it really does mean alot to me. I've once again run for cover from the world- The thought of going to classes tomorrow terrifies me- When I went last week to get books, I hated being there- All these masses of people everywhere, mostly young, smiling ,laughing men and women- I felt so insignificant, finding myself questioning WTF I'm doing there- Who wants a middle aged, mentally ill, self-conscious nothing like me there? Anyway.. Last weekend we celebrated my B'day going out to dinner, shopping, a movie, etc.. I guess I should be more appreciative- b/f came home on Sat. with a gift for me- 2 bottles of Tres' tacky perfume- seriously, NOTHING I would wear, WTF? I felt like an ass, thinking he tried- he really tried- and although I thanked him and acted like he was the 2nd coming, I thought- ok, he knows what I like- 10 years together usually sheds some light on that- I'm kinda picky when choosing gifts for others- I go out of my way to find something that the person will surely love- So I feel like a mega bitch because I'm not taking into account that it's the thought that counts, blah blah blah.. I've isolated myself all week- It's very hard for me to even write to friends and talk to people about what I'm going through, so bring on some more guilt for being such a crappy friend- Many of you, I know, live as I do- some days are just better than others, and some days I don't feel worth the powder to blow myself to Hell with.. It happens.. B/f and I had words this morning- I was a total bitch- Entirely MY fault this time- and he's more than pissed off- I called him, apologised, (I know I hurt his feelings) and his response was less than receptive. It's left me feeling even worse- the hurt , however is evolving into anger at this point- Fuck him! I apologised- What else can I do? I don't expect everyone to be totally understanding of my moods and my depression- But I've come to the conclusion- I can't be what people want me to be every day- I can't be the same person on Wednesday, that they spoke to and laughed with on Monday- There are days when I know It's in everyone's best interest for me to simply lay low-the past few days have been just that-The kids are cool- they know when I'm in this funk and go about business as usual and try even to cheer me up- B/f is getting all defensive, saying "And you talk about MY issues?". Well, I don't terrorize people when I'm like this- I just avoid them..So if we're going to pick one another apart, bring it on, asshole! I'm so sick of not being well- I'm so sick of explaining myself to people- I'm sick of trying to pretend- I'm scared- school is terrifying me- the fact that I may never lead a productive life is terrifying- When I get scared , I retreat- from everything- And here I am- Add guilt to that equation and it beyond sucks- But it's out of my control at this time in my life- I go through the motions of everyday things- but feel nothing- Nothing good, anyway. So why spread the fucking sunshine? I stay in my self-imposed exhile until things get better. It's how I cope(or not). B/f was just on the phone- another fucking gem- he has a friend who recently bought a home- he has done ALL of their work, being there every day for 2 weeks- FREE of charge. I am the first person in ,line when it comes to helping someone, but I caught him lying about it- He told me when they got paid- they were going to pay him for his work. I stay out of that, but when I see him juggling numbers, I had to wonder, so I asked and that's what he told me. Last night the wife of his friend called me to ask me what they could buy him (wanted to buy him "a few DVD's) because he wouldn't accept any money from them..I NEVER nag him about money- I have mine- he has his- and we share expenses.. So now he calls to ask me to pay his insurance premium (Until B" pays him).. An outright fucking lie.. I'm in no frame of mind to fight with him or confront this.. I told him I'd see him when he gets home...And here I was feeling guiilty about treating him badly this morning- Fuck him, fuck everyone..I'm thinking isolation is looking healthier by the minute-
I know this is all over the fucking place- forgive me- rational thoughts are elusive today...
Mad*

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Friday, January 20, 2006

Sooner

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Please stop by Sooner's today and wish him a Happy Birthday- Even at his age "That boy still ain't right"- But how can you not just love him??

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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Vogue

My January issue came today. Yes, I am a fashion ho! The Spring looks are coming in- Lawd! Nothing I can surely wear! Well, maybe the orange peel the girl has wrapped around her in the Cointreau Ad...Or the new Ck fragrance, Euphoria...The rest, I'm afraid is out of my league. These girls look about 15! I can just see the horror on my son's faces when I arrive at their hockey games draped in Chanel or Hermes'..Sigh.. those days are long past, or should I say, my time is past- I never did get to wear an original, save a few handbags and some shoes..Ok, ALOT of handbags and more shoes than I needed. Sienna is on the cover, absolutely gorgeous! Thinking I'll clear out my closets- lol The last time I did that I had things from 1980's in there OMG a black form-fitting bodice with this ridiculous waay poufed out mini- skirt that was white with black polka dots! or how about a lovely maxi-dress from 1973? Remember the peasant look with the calico prints? My style today is a little bohemian, I use lots of scarves and dangly jewelry. Every day is usually jeans and a danskin - I've grown to appreciate comfort in my old age :) I love seeing people's different styles- The only thing I find really tacky are A) very young girls dressed waaay too old B) very old women dressed waaay too young- like wearing hip-huggers with 4 inch love handles hanging out (I'm not knocking love handles-I have a bit of a roll there of late ) .
I like to see women dress to complement their assets- I once worked part- time in a women's shop and the majority of our customers were plus sized women. I loved helping them choose clothes! I think all women are amazing, beautiful creatures- Some women would come in and it was so satisfying to see them really get excited about the way they looked in different styles- you could see the confidence rise in them- I don't dress to kill the way I once did, but always make a point to do something that makes me feel pretty, whether it's waxing brows, a manicure, or just a nice hot bubble bath with lots of scented minerals or oils :) Lavender is very soothing when I'm feeling bad, my son even asks me for some when he feels down- works like a charm :)
I'm off to do just that- A hot bath with lotsa suds! Where are you all? Hope everyone is getting by- you're all in my thoughts :)
Later!
Peace*,
Mad

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Tales from the dark Side....

*** Some parts of this blog may not be for sensitive souls**

Mizz Babs inspired me :) She asked me how I could refer to my "tagged" post as boring when the First line read "Laboratory Assistant- City Morgue ..
Up to now that experience had settled way back in the cobwebs of my mind (either that or I had successfully managed to block it out) and there it stayed . I was a fresh-faced Nursing student at the tender age of 23- Up to that time I had been working part-time waitressing but I found school was way too demanding and I needed more time to study.
A friend worked at City hospital and had heard about a night shift position- It was a small hospital and although very busy, night shift in the Morgue was a dream position, as they didn't do autopsies at night, so really all you had to do was check people in and out and release them to funeral homes- there was lots of time to study, and the place was definitely quiet :).
I applied for the job, was interviewed by the chief pathologist (we'll call him "eye-gore") and got the job! Mom was horrified, brother's had wagers as to how long I'd last, life was good .
I didn't need much training, basically they taught me how to extract specimens, how to set up for autopsies, and of course, all the paper work involved . Being a City Morgue, any legal cases landed here- homicides, unexplained deaths, suicides, etc.THAT was wild- I won't forget the first time someone I knew came through- horrifying!
Besides eye-gore, ther were 2 other Doctors working there- Quincy (not his real name) who was sooo full of himself, (he actually had a vanity license plate that read "Quincy"!! ) but basically a nice guy, And "Les" who I didn't get to spend much time with, but of the three, he taught me more than any of them- I credit my success in nursing to this man- He taught me to treat all patients with dignity and respect. He was always gentle and talked softly , sometimes even to the patient- he was always kind and gentle when talking with family members.. It left a lasting impression . I have seen some brutal deaths-After awhile, they weren't really disturbing- you just accepted that shit happens. Some were painful, like the child whose drug-dealer father held her up as a shield during a battle with another druggie. She was 9 months old.....her father went to jail , where he was murdered within 6 months- they never found out his killer- shame...
Quincy was cool- He'd call me and usually in the same breath he'd tell me a case was on it's way and what he wanted me to do and what kind of pizza would I like?- That's how it was- Our lives still went on.. He would always ask me if I was ok during procedures, telling me we could stop if it was freakling me out. Always polite and courteous- asked me out once (he was nearing 60 years old!) and was a perfect gentleman when I politely declined.
Now eye-gore..What a dickhead- He was the one who would call me at home on days off to assist- there WAS a lab asst. on duty,it didn't matter he wanted ME there. He was rough and insensitive, would say things to families like "Surely this doesn't come as a shock to you, so-and-so was involved in some pretty risky stuff".. He handled the patients like they were sacks of shit- made crude comments, and never ever ever showed any respect for anyone, living or dead.
When he saw me handling a patient gently, he grew impatient and would bark out orders and tell me to hurry up.Fortunately there are more rigid rules now than there were back then- You can actually be cited for patient abuse for handling a patient carelessly now - I wonder how many times he's been called on it?
The worst experience I had was with eye-gore.. We were in posession of a human head. Someone in one of the rural towns called when their dog brought it home..the area was searched miles around and no body was found- The head remained in the morgue with a possible ID, but no way to confirm. There were no dental records for the person they suspected it was. We called him George.. George sat in a bottle of formaldehyde for 3 months. Every night I worked , there he was. It was beyond weird- He had this horrible expression on his face- all contorted - I don't know if this was his face in life- it was just bizarre. After 3 months, a body was found several towns away, in the opposite direction of where george's head was found, it was brought in and it was, in fact, determined to be the body of George. The body had come early in the day, so was in the refrigerator when I came on duty- an uneventful night until around 4a.m. when eye-gore calls- "I want you to set up for the post on G-" ok, I say//"And, I want you to get the head- it's in the jar- put it on the table with the body"..Ohhhh nooo..."uuhhmm, Doctor?" You want the JAR on the table, right" "NO, NOT right=- I want YOu to take it out".."Uuuhmm.I really don't think I can" "K, I REALLY think you WILL if you want your job" "CLICK"...
Fucker! That was not my job! when a body that is what we call a Medical/Legal comes in- NO body touches it without assisting the examiner-in other words- it doesn't get touched before them. Ever. Well, as a starving student, the last thing I could afford was to lose my job- I was beside myself- forget the ethical questions- this was just TOO fucking gross!!!! I could not do it. I call up to 2 of my friends who were residents, begging them to come and help me- the clock is ticking away and at any moment eye-gore is going to darken this doorway.SHIT. They came down, my heroes and stand there!! One looks like he going to be the next one to sport a toe-tag, the other looks almost as bad- "We're right here, Kel" "It's ok, we're right here".. Well thanks a fucking lot! By this time I am near hysteria- I close my eyes and look up- "Les" has just walked in. I tell him my dilemma and he reassures me.. Tells me to get George- .. I bring George over to the table where his body lay, but there's a problem.. the head has..uhhmm increased slightly in size since it was placed- It'll come out, but it's gonna be tight- Les looks at me and says "Sometimes, Kelly Ann, circumstances don't allow for us to be gentle" as he inverts the jar and forcefully thrusts it forward a few times, till I hear a resounding "POP" kinda like the commercial where they're putting tomatoes into the Heinz Ketchup bottle.. He's all there, together again at last, George and his body.. I hugged Les to death that night, and he smiled and told me to knock off early (before eye-gore got there).. I'll never forget him :)
There were actually some funny times there- and yeah, bodies make all sorts of involuntary movements and sounds- pretty freaky at first, but kinda funny- We might be playing cards and hear a whooosh! from the other room. Nobody would bat an eye. When I left there after graduated, they all took me out to dinner at a very elegant restaurant, gifted me with every instrument I could need, and a beatiful gold watch. Eye-gore and Quincy gave me glowing references - It was all good. On graduation day, which was held in the hospital's ampitheater, We took our oaths- as I spoke mine, I looked up, and standing way in the back was Les.. He came up and congratulated me and told me.. "I promise, when I see one of yours come through, I'll care for them the way I know you did.. :)

Peace*
Mad

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

I'm Over It...

For now, anyway. B/f was quite contrite today, breakfast in bed, HE went and got the groceries before I was even up,! We went out to lunch, out to supper, and even watched Dolores Claiborn with me..HAHAH I had to laugh at that, little did he know how close I was to BEING Dolores yesterday. We talked, he appeared to be listening, now if he can apply what we're learning, he'll be spared :) Please don't think I am at all trying to "change" him- I've been with him 10 years- I more need to change myself, or maybe I have and am changing and just need to find some neutral ground here. Most of his issues are with the kids- they are teenagers now (well, P is 12), and he's 60+ years old! ( Yeah , Yeah, I know.. but Anna nicole got the rich one before he knew ABOUT ME ;) ) I think he just doesn't have as big a tolerance level as he once did. And teenagers tend to speak up more- HIS generation wouldn't DREAM of thinking for themselves, lol- Anyway, Thank you all for the support and please stand by- I saved the grocery list in case it gets ugly again :) *Big squooshy hugs back to you's :)
Peace*,
Mad

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Saturday, January 14, 2006

Crash..

So, I've hit a rough spot...Today, I find myself highly emotional and really down. I have frogged around a bit and commented here and there, but I've sat here most of the day with fists clenched, wanting just to curl up and disappear. B/f was on a tear today, which only served to make matters worse. WTF is it with this guy? One minute we're in the throes of a nasty battle, then he hands me a piece of paper to write out a fucking grocery list! His indifference sometimes makes me want to shove that grocery list clean up his ass!!!I'm here!! I'm Kelly!! I need attention!! I need understanding!! I do NOT need fucking groceries!!! I am so unhappy today.. Forgive me for ranting. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person on the planet - and times like today I wish it were so. I have red welts on my hands where my nails dug in from clenching them so tightly. I wanted to get out today and just couldn't get it together. I worry about school- I can't BE this way- I somehow have to pull it together and keep it together.. How can it be that there's someone in the same room with you, and yet you've never been so alone? I want to talk, I dno't wnto talk. I want to go out- I don't- WTF? I do realize 'm having a bad day emotionally, but seems like b/f just goes about his business sometimes like I'm not even here. Or he's irritable at home, then his phone rings and he's laughing it up with his buddies.
I suck. Later.

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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Check it out!!!!

This is the new Mad!!!!
As you all know, I am seriously challenged when it comes to navigating Blogspot- Even with the frustration of just not being in the loop of things, I chose to join you all, my friends , HERE. I so missed your posts and sharing with you moments in the life of...me.. I'd lost that sense of belonging at the other place, and considered giving up blogging altogether, until I gave it some thought as to what changed? It didn't take me long to realize that the biggest change was that the people I most enjoyed corresponding with, the ones who were the most supportive, with lots of humor thrown in, the ones who kept me coming back, were all right here! Almost immediately after my first post, I was welcomed back by so many of you, and made to feel right at home. You have no idea how wonderful that feels :), or maybe you do, because everyone here has that gift of reaching out and making people feel special :)
Enter Denise- Yes, folks, SHE is responsible for my new look :) I didn't even have to ask- She stepped up and offered to help- just like that-That's a true, real person- Someone who looks at the big picture (my lame former page) and steps up to bat :) Her link is down below- check it out! and keep checking back, as I hear she has some big plans :) Thank you, Denise- I LOVE the page, but even more I love that you were so thoughtful to help me :)

I also wanted to ask those of you who still have access to "over there" If you could stop by Nittinneedles' blog- Her dad passed away unexpectedly and know she'd appreciate our support-
Off to get the kiddies, and b/f and I have M this afternoon- Take care, and thank you all of you, just for being. I promise not to let my pimped blog go to my head :)
Peace*,
Mad
p.s. Denise's link is at the bottom under Credits :) Moodswing productions

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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Turbulent 70's

I write alot about my life, past and present, my relationships, my family and how it all brought me to the present. There is so much in between I've left out, not my intention to omit, but I just never seem to have the energy to write so much. I've written in the past where I came from, and the things I was exposed to, and how fortunate I often feel to have survived it. The 70's were my most exciting, dangerous, stormy years- Being a teenager then was fun, but dangerous, too. My mother was overworked and I had alot of time on my hands to explore the world on my own- It's not like it is today- parents somehow felt their kids were safer- didn't feel the need to know every minute of every day where their kids were and what they were doing. I often tell my sons " There's not a trick you can pull that I probably haven't tried myself, so save yourself alot of grief and think twice" lol.
Unfortunately, this is truer than I hope they'll ever know. I began my rebellious years long before my time- At 10 years old, I was hanging out in the neighborhood with the older kids, smoking and scoring an occasional GIQ or pint of Tango, when we could get someone to buy for us. 7th and 8th grade I spent many a day playing hookey at a friend's with about a dozen other kids, doing much of the same- I was on top of the world, it seemed, and able for the time being to keep up the "goody two-shoes" facade that I had going on at home and school. I was the Master of deceit- Teachers and principals would question my absences and I always had a way out- they loved me- maybe it was the way I looked, a slip of a girl with huge blue eyes and a sweet smile- I was always polite and respectful to them, too, knowing that it would be in my best interest, and I was right. When I was 14, I went to an Aerosmith concert near my home, telling mom I was spending the weekend at a fictitious friend's house ( Like I said, parents back then had NO clue what we were up to, and believed most anything) and 2 of my friends and I went to the concert- We hooked up with some guys who went to MIT who in turn hooked us up with all the pot we could smoke and some funny looking little blue pills-That was friday night- by Sunday afternoon I was walking in a daze through Boston's combat zone where I was able to panhandle enough cash to get a bus home. At the bus terminal I managed to clean up enough to look like suzy sunshine returning from a weekend at Miss Manner's.. I was deceptive, manipulative, and most always got my way. on the rare occasion mom questioned me, I put on my pouty , innocent face and gave her the "you don't trust me" song. She bought it every time. I could see where my life was headed, but not clearly because I was becoming more and more skilled at deceit. My teachers would excuse my absenses as long as I passed in assignments and showed up for tests. easy enough for me, it was worth having the freedom to do as I pleased to show up, and I'd get the assignments from someone else and spit them out like a machine. Uppers allow you the ability to do that. I could function on 2 hours sleep a night, and sometimes less, not always with drugs- this was my indroduction to the manic phases of my mental illness that I fell head over heels in love with.
Much is written about Bipolar and the depressive side of it. It's a horrible prison to be trapped in, and saps so much of our desire and hope from us. Mania for me, was far more insidious, because it seemed "fun" most of the time, all the while I was tearing my life apart, bit-by-bit and having a Hell of a time doing it. Throughout my high School years and beyond, I would experience manic episides lasting months at a time- People loved them- I was outgoing, and always up to do even the most outrageous things- like stealing the lights off of a dozen or so police cars in the police station parking lot- hot-wiring my boyfriends car and driving it across town- because he chose to hang out with the guys instead of me :)- Grateful Dead concerts- or any concert for that matter, I could and did, numerous times get backstage and partied my little heart out. Road trips to nowhere, once stopping in Montreal and turning around and heading home- just because I could. New York City- crashing parties everywhere- no matter I wasn't on "the list" I talked my way in. L.A.- buying a dress on Rodeo Drive, hangin' at Spago and returning the dress the next day (It's really quite easy to "tuck" labels out of sight :) ) In all this time and through all these things, never once did I feel "good" about myself- it's hard to explain but it was like there was this very empty, very painful place inside me, and if I stopped- even for a second, it would consume me.
Then I had my first "crash". I was alone late one night and felt this overwhelming sadness- I never could cry, with the exception of the times my boyfriend, David held on to me and begged me not to leave him (as in leave this world). I felt as though I wanted to sleep the world away, forget about everything and just curl up and nestle myself into my blankets and close my eyes. Problem was, sleep didn't come either- just sadness, intense, lonely sadness. It enveloped me. I stayed in bed for nearly a week, seeing no one, feigning the flu to everyone, pacing the floor and hiding under my covers when anyone came in. I couldn't read, watch TV, sleep, nothing..My boyfriend knew, without my telling him what was wrong- He begged me to see a doctor- I would not/ could not- My family always thought you just had to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get back into things. I felt no differently after 2 weeks, and here began my journey in healing. I rifled through a phone book, found a name, called the number and an older man answered. He was a psychiatrist. I explained to him that I was a student and had no money- that my family felt I didn't need psychiatric help, that I was afraid and didn't want to end up in a hospital. he listened and agreed to see me- We could work out the rest when I saw him. The next day, I found myself in the office greeted by an older man, very psychiatric looking lol, bearded and all- With the most remarkable, soulful, understanding and compassionate eyes I'd ever seen. He had a soft voice- you really had to pay attention to hear him- and his first words to me were "you've been down a tough road, haven't you?".. I melted. All the feelings of sadness, all the years of being lost, all the feelings of hopelessness, weren't my fault. He told me I was going to get better. He helped me, he worked things out with my Mother, he helped her learn about me and taught her how to be supportive without allowing me to manipulate her. I started on antidepressants- the mood stabilizers came years later, but I no longer wanted to escape from the world, I wanted -and many times I failed- to face my demons, to face my life on whatever terms I was dealt it, and to be a person who could walk with her head held high. This illness is so often all-consuming- Meds are a crap shoot- they work, they don't work, they work for awhile then don't- it truly sucks- I find as I've gotten older I see mostly the depressed side of this illness- I've developed agoraphobia, I hate to socialize, I'm very guarded with relationships-it takes me a long while to warm up to people-My years of treatment haven't been easy- I had my moments- wth drugs, pregnancy, suicidal tendencies, abusive relationships, and so much more- But I'm here- and glad you are, too :)
Peace*,
Mad

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Thursday, January 05, 2006

I have become...

It's been awhile since I've written about me. The reposts are here and I'm sure I'll find a few more that I'll want to share, but I've been avoiding the real issues at hand. What's going on with me? It's hard to even write some of it- I'm scared if I write it here it somehow makes it more real. I've been really looking closely at myself and M (the shrink) and I have been talking alot. there are some big changes ahead for me, as soon as I get my ass in gear and take action. I will be going back to school this month, which although I'm looking forward to it, scares the hell outta me.. I never planned to go back to school- I have 2 degrees and do consulting work on the side to keep mself and family comfortable- This has provided me with the flexibility I've needed to deal with my personal and family issues- I feel very fortunate I am able to do this. Before my hiatus I was in a nursing postion full time, usually working up to 60 hours a week. My experience ranges from several years in the ER to Supervisory positions, to Pediatric home care case management, with a few long term care stints added in. I loved my career- it seemed to fit just right for me. I loved my patients, their families (even the difficult ones), I prided myself on my ability to comfort and develop a rapport with even the toughest of them .. For years I juggled huge caseloads while my colleagues marvelled at my ability to multi-task and still provide the best care. The day came when I had to make the decision to give it up- I could see myself becoming easily distracted, my memory was impaired, and I was always exhausted, taking more days off than I ever did. I had been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder years before, and opted to go as long as I could without medication. It seemed having children had grounded me a bit, so foolishly thought it had gone dormant or some dumb ass rationalization gave myself at that time. First, I cut down the amount of hours, in hopes that would improve my situation. Wrong again. I was fine all week, but soon as I arrived at work, nothing had improved. I began to get nervous- what if I made a mistake? gave a wrong med? forgot to document something critical? no argument there- it was time to go. I was so proud of my work and my high standards, it would have destroyed me to lose a job as a result of my negligence, not to mention how devastating it would be to have cost someone their life as a result of some oversight on my part. I left without much fanfare, just saying I needed to take care of personal matters, and that was that. I gave up a career that I loved- a position, that for many years, defined me. I am Kelly- I am a Nurse. What am I going back to school for? Well, 4 semesters will get me a degree in Psych- will this be a career for me? Beats me. At this point I'm painfully shy, not too sure of myself, and my relationship is falling apart. My purpose right now is to achieve something, anything that will help me build my self-esteem back up, and reading and learning anything on this subject fascinates me and holds my interest. My first class will be on January 22nd- my 46th Birthday- Maybe that means something- In the time leading up to the start of school, I'll have decided on what i want to do with this relationship. It's not looking good for us. I hate the control it has over me. I hate that I tense up when he enters the room. I hate that my love for him isn't enough, but more than anything, I hate that I've given up...That seems to be my signature on all past relationships.. When the going gets tough, get the fuck outta Dodge..In my previous post I mentioned D, who gave me his number and all after so many years apart- He sent me a beautiful poinsettia at Christmas- I haven't called him, just a very polite Thank-You note- I need to close one door long before I consider opening this one..He understands- will he be there when all is said and done, who knows... I need to make my life comfortable for me- a relationship may enhance it at some point, but for now, I am making this all about ME..
Peace*,
Mad

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Ok Ok, Another re-post and my next entry will be an original :) I'm just trying to pick the ones from YKW that I'd like to share here :) K got me thinking with his question about love so here you have it.. Peace*, K

Always On My Mind...
Is there a person in your life that made a difference, aside from the usual teachers, family, etc.?Yesterday, I ventured out to get some books for the boys and do some shopping.
Monday isn't so bad for me to face the shops, as most people are working, and/or are all shopped out from the weekend, so I don't have to deal with crowds. It took me a while to get ready to go, dressing, makeup and the like, but finally I'm off.
Barnes and Noble was my first stop and it was deserted! So I get the books and go for a coffee ( I don't care what you all think, Starbucks is a steamy orgasm in a cup! )Sitting there, more relaxed than I've been in a long time,a gentle hand touches my shoulder. There standing over me is David,my very first serious boyfiend!
Now we're going back 30 years here, and there's not a week or less that passes that I haven't thought about him and what a fine person he is. We met through mutual friends- I was playing Tennis for my school, and he was there to see his sister, my opponent that day. I remember him applauding her when she made points, but kinda grinning my way when I did.. We were introduced after the game (I lost!) and went on our ways. A few weeks later, I saw him at a game again, but his sister wasn't playing that day. He was there to see me! We made plans to get together, and the rest is history.
We dated for 5 years. During that time,he was patient and kind and respectful to me at all times. I had my demons, and was scared to death that I would lose him. After many of the abuses I was subjected to, I found that when something good happened, it just didn't last, or I felt unworthy and would sabotage it,as was the case with David. but he didn't give up. Ever. He knew my demons and was always there to tell me that we could win.
He made me want to choose life. He told me every day that I was smart and beautiful, and even when I didn't believe him, he told me it was ok, cause anyone who knew me knows the truth.There were days when I couldn't stop crying,and wishing I were dead.. He held me close without words, until it passed. So, there he was, standing here, and asking to sit with me. He joined me and we talked the usual, catch up chat, his family, mine, blah blah blah.. All this time I'm thinking, he's the one.. Not just "THE one, as in the love of my life... It actually goes deeper than that..He's the one who helped me to see what I was capable of, the one who made a difference in my sinking or swimming....
The one person, I could always think of and smile, the one I could always wish well, with no reservations. The one who I was afraid to disappoint whenever I contemplated leaving this world. We broke up as I was leaving for the Big city to attend college- He was 5 years older than I, and already had the job of his dreams, being a firefighter. My mom strongly objected to our relationship, I think cause she could see had we reamined together, I would have settled down before having finished school.
She made me break off the relationship. It took me years to forgive her. You, see. even at 20 years old, I still didn't realise I had choices. When you are abused as a child, your backbone turns to jelly.. I could no more stand up to her at 20, than if I was 3 years old. So we parted. It was painful, but I always knew I had a friend forever.Over the years, we often bumped into one another (usually in the ER after a fire) and my heart would just swell in knowing that I had the privelege of being a friend to this man.
I decided right then to tell him exactly how I felt, and let him know that he is one of the "voices" in my head that kept me going through my life. Before I could utter a word, he speaks.. "Kel, I want you to know this- You are the one person in my life, even after all these years, who I think about when I think about the best moments in life. You're the one who made a difference in mine"... Well, hell, he stole my thunder!
I told him this and we laughed.. Here's the clincher/ He's been divorced for 5 years.. I told him all about(well not ALL) b/f.. We talked some more, and he gave me his address and number.. Call anytime, or don't, but DO know I'm always here...We parted with a warm hug,and his last words were "I hope you get everything you want for yourself, K, you deserve it.."

I'm just not sure what that is anymore...
Peace*,
Mad

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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

What makes us strong?

I've been reading some old posts. Something that has reached out and grabbed me in some comments people left are the words "strength" and "courage"... I've never considered myself to have much of either one..But let's consider...
Last night I had a wonderful chat with two bloggers here. It was really nice to get to know them a little and find that we share alot of the same views, and are battling depression on a daily basis.
I've known for a long time that I'm not alone, and it comforts me to know there are people out there who understand.
Thank Goodness for them! Not to say misery loves company- that's not it AT ALL.. But, say for instance, you are lacking in some areas- your house isn't as organized as you'd like it, you can't prepare meals regularly and rely upon other means, you don't pay as much attention to yourself as you probably should. You have a family- you love them. you teach your children what's right, and when they are sick, or have problems, you deal with them , get them help, as adults take them in when they need shelter, and show them in every deed how much they are loved. I remember back when my illness was getting out of control and I had just begun treatment- It's been years of trial and error with various medications, therapy and self teaching, learning as much about this disorder as I could. I remember telling my oldest son, that there are some things I just didn't do well, but if there was something he needed and I couldn't do it, I'd find someone who could- He would never have to feel that my limitations were limiting him.
7 years later, and I have 2 sons who are damn near perfect *insert MOM smiley here* , well, ok. they are typical teenagers. The oldest one is an extraordinary student, the younger excels in sports and has his own challenges with BiPolar Disorder, but the difference between them and me is, when I was their age there was nothing for me. No-one to talk to, and the few brave attempts I made at asking for help were met with "Don't be ridiculous, you're fine!" Fine, indeed...
Which brings me to this- I was reading earlier, and found a post that just struck me on how ignorant others can be.. The gist of it was the writer suggesting that people who are depressed simply try not to focus so much on the negative.. Well, no shit!! Why didn't Freud think of that? Can we say Chemical imbalance? It's ignorant thinking such as this which kept me ill for way longer than I would have chosen. I did not CHOOSE mental illness. I see people like myself and the women I spoke to last night struggling every day-And you know what? To accomplish things that many people take for granted, takes huge effort on our part. Want to talk about strength? Balls? Moxie? Let's talk about people who care about others and show in in their actions and words- not passing judgement and making asswipe statements about things they have no knowledge of... I did not comment on this writer's statement, mainly because I don't think they're ever gonna get it. So, this turned into a bit of a rant, and that's "fine" lol.. But for those people who still think in the dark ages- Do a little research, then try to form an intelligent opinion, just make sure it's your own .. *wink*
Thanks again Ladies (you know who you are) for keeping me company last night- It's an honor to know you both :)
Peace*,
Mad

10:43 AM | 2 comments

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Monday, January 02, 2006

My Mom

(Another re-post)

I've been thinking about her alot lately- k wrote recently about his Mom and Schree about her Dad and got me thinking how much I miss her. I lost my Mom suddenly almost 14 years ago, Sean was just 6 weeks old. Of course I went through the usual grieving, angry, the "why me? why now" and all. It was a emotional time for me,being a new mom, married less than a year, and realizing even that early on that the marriage was a disaster- She was always there and never was one to say "I told you so" . When I would go to her with my doubts and fears, she many times would tell me "Kelly, you are a survivor, you can handle anything". Dad was never in the picture- ran off with a secretary and never looked back. Sure, she was bitter, but went on- with 4 children & Me due any day moved to a new city & state and had virtually no one to support her- I was born shortly after she and my brother's moved here. I was the only girl, and shared a very special relationship with Mom. I could tell her anything, and as I got older we were best friends (after alot of years of nearly driving one another mad). When it came time for college, there was no money- when each of us would reach High School, she told us, If we wanted college, we would have to work harder and do better than anyone because scholarships were the only way, and it was far more competitive in the real world. Well every one of us earned full acedemic scholarships and all of us graduated. I hold a degree in education and when I found it wasn't for me, went on to get a Nursing degree, also fully paid for. Mom was tough- smart ,proud, strong. We were on welfare when I was small- until I started school, then she herself went back to school, and became a social worker, working in our neighborhood social service office. We lived in a pretty tough place- I remember walking home from school, and into our apartment building seeing the older kids shooting up. There were drugs, they are from years of drug abuse.Teen preganancy was rampant- When I was 13, Mom was desperate- I couldn't see why she didn't like my friends, or that I couldn't hang out with the gang- She got us out of there and rented a house in a much more "desirable" area. I never knew until years later, that she managed the high rent by working her normal day job, and staying late to clean offices in her building. I hated her for taking me away from the only place I'd known, and thought her a hypocrit for helping the same people in her work, and then telling me I was better than that. Having my own sons now, and also little support from their dad, I can truly understand her thinking, although her choice of words could have been better. I don't think I'm "better" than anyone- I think we all have tools to succeed, some of us just aren't able utilize them, for various reasons. When I was 20 I was engaged, and 2 months before the Wedding got cold feet. Mom had spared no expense having saved for this for years, and it was to be the wedding of the century.I took what savings I had, and bolted. To Ireland. For 6 weeks. I told mom the day I was leaving. Expecting her to completely wig out, I was more than shocked when she said "Good, keep in touch and call if you need money". She was left to undo the mess I got myself into. She was always trying to fix me up with young men she knew, which drove me crazy... "Mom I HAVE a boyfriend" "Yes, Kelly, but you should always have a plan B"..There was even a guy in her building, and we forgot his name so he was just called plan B..She loved Sinatra,incense,Autumn and Christmas..We travelled together, she was always there when my relationships fell apart, or I was sick. She was there when, in my early 20's when I did a short stint in rehab for cocaine addiction (I figured it was ok because it wasn't the "junkies" I was partying with, it was Dr's and Lawyers..) uh-huh...She saw me through my first major depression, and didn't blink an eye when I dated men twice my age.All she wanted, all she lived for, was for me to be happy and healthy. The day Sean was born, she was there, in the delivery room. She never drove, and every day, for a week, took a bus to the hospital to spend the whole day with me.I treasure those memories.. I never got to say goodbye to her, and I never will.. She left me on my Birthday, and before I even got the news, I knew she was gone...Today I will be going to the cemetary- it's a beautiful Autumn day, her favorite time of year. I'll bring the CD player and play some Sinatra tunes there, burn some incense, and talk to her..For so many years,I thought she was gone...When I feel the cool Fall air.. burn incense, talk to my sons in HER voice, I find comfort in knowing .. She never really died..Have a beautiful Saturday..Peace*,Mad

7:27 PM | 5 comments

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Just some things about me..

Some of you may have read these- I've decided to post some of my blogs from youknowwhere over here- Just to allow some of you to know me a bit.. :)


Gratitude..
I've been frogging alot and not writing much- I get that way sometimes.... It amazes me how many people are blogging who share so many of my feelings , hopes, joys, and sufferings, In a world I've so often felt very much alone. From the people still out there dating, to those who lead full lives, to those who, as I often do, feel depressed many days, the ones who face cruelty and ignorance from people who don't take the time to get to know them.. I get something from everything I read here, sometimes a smile, sometimes an ache in my heart, but always an understanding, whether I agree with them or not..There's a young person I read who feels they have nothing to live for.. I remember that- I remember praying to whoever had that power to take me away, feeling that there was nothing here for me, for I was a failure, and had never felt love, either coming to me or giving away..My world as a child allowed for little of that. Sure my Mom loved me, but she was stressed- working 2, 3 jobs, there wasn't alot of time for us, but the time there was, she made the most of. I was abused by others, my male role models were abusive drunks, and the best way to survive in my world was to keep quiet and go with the flow. The flow being stealing, drugs, and anything else that would prove to my "friends that I was one of them.. Secretly I knew I wasn't.. I remember at 12 years old my first babysitting job.. She was a welfare mother whose house was a garbage dump and she had 5 kids..She blew all her money on cigarettes and Bingo.. By the time I was 13, when she didn't have money to pay me, she would give me "speed". remember "crossroads", the little white pills with the x on them? Enterprising young lady I was, I sold them mostly.. I always knew I wanted more, and my Mom had drilled education into our brains.. On I went to school, very few friends,and countless abusive relationships..All grown up now, I am filled with gratitude that I never followed through on my plan to leave the world and all it's pain behind. I was able to find what Hope Fields calls "The Gems".. My Gems are---My first therapist (we'll call her Jeanne), who taught me that it was ok to be angry, feel fear, and how to stop allowing it to consume me...My History teacher in High School, who told me in spite of having cut almost all his classes, that I had a good soul, and was capable of much much more in a way that made me believe him..The first time I fell in love, with someone who told me I was beautiful AND smart....in a way that made me believe him... The day I was accepted to a college and given a full scholarship, based on merits alone..The first night I spent alone in a new apartment..The award I recieved for volunteering at a homeless shelter..The first time I went to the ocean alone, and walked all day, and made a friend..The Birth of my Sons.. The feeling of their warm fuzzy heads on my shoulder..Watching them sleep (Even now!)..It took me years to find my talents, sense of worth, and live my life the best way I can.. I have days when I simply can't leave the safety of my home, that sucks!I do know this.. It was a long strange trip, but I'm glad I stuck around for it.. All of my Gems came to me when I least expected them to..Maybe when I needed them most? That, in and of itself is a Gem..
Peace*,
Mad

7:15 PM | 1 comments

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