Coming out of the Dark

Monday, February 27, 2006

Woman, interrupted...

Greetings from sick bay! Thankfully I am finally feeling better- ended up going to the Doc's house on Sat (he's a friend) and I had pneumonia all this time!! He changed my antibiotic and gave me some super-nice cough syrup and an inhaler- the worst is over- said I should have been on this 2 weeks ago- The boys and B are over it, fortunately, (of course miss nurse was vigilant in checking their lung sounds throughout this but not her own :) ) So we are all pretty much back to biz as usual..
Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between my depression or general lousiness when I'm sick- I haven't been answering my phone unless it's b or the kids, and have basically been isolating myself- I know I have a busy week ahead with a gazillion appointments and school (I see the new therapist Wednesday *fingers crossed*) so I can't afford to be antisocial- Often times when I have things to do and don't want to go out, I manage to get myself out by visualizing myself coming home after it's all done and closing the door. Such an element of safety behind my door, I just hate that I put myself down when I can't bring myself to venture out..
I've created more of a monster by getting this new living room furniture- It's soooo comfy and welcoming- I could park myself in there and remain for days! :)
I had some reading to do for school this past week that really hit home- It was about how people cope with intense feelings- How some have the ability to remove themselves from situations that are too intense for them to handle and how others yet do things to "distract" (for lack of a better word) themselves. One topic covered was self-injury. I never thought myself to have this trait, but reading it really hit home. I've never "cut" per se, but there have been times, even in my very recent past, when I am extremely overwhelmed that I've "scratched" myself. By this I mean clenching my hands very tightly, or digging my nails deeply into the backs of my hands. The most recent episode was several weeks ago when b/f had a meltdown- I usually cope pretty well during these on the surface- I think it's my professional training that allows me to take charge and detach myself from it while it's actually happening- It's afterwards when I'm left alone to re-hash it all and think about why it frightens me so much that I just can't cope- I hate myself for allowing myself to be subjected to it, and loathe myself for not getting out of this relationship. He's trying with therapy and meds, and I feel deep down I should be supportive- Goddess knows he has seen me through some very tough times, and was the only one in my life at the time to tell me it was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok, that P was going to be ok, too. He always told me what a great Mom I am, and that he would always be here to help me.
So how can I not support him ?
I'm so very torn- his behavior has been better, but he has his moments- That I understand only too well- I just wish I could cope with all of this in a healthier way- I don't want to hurt myself physically or emotionally -I don't want to feel as though his anger is my fault- I have such a hard time dealing with other people's anger, when it's misdirected toward me or my sons.. The past few weeks, he's been hinting toward changing pdocs (M is his pdoc as well) . I suspect he wants to avoid the issues- I don't want to dictate to him what he should do- I do, however want to know that he IS addressing these things with whoever he goes to- I think he wants to start fresh so he can talk about what he chooses and avoid this altogether- A new doc wouldn't know these things unless he tells him- I hate that if he starts his bullshit back up, I'll have to make him leave- I do love him- but it's not just about him or me- I need to think of my sons, too. In so many ways he's a wonderful partner- I don't expect perfection- I just expect and demand effort- I feel as though he's losing his steam, doesn't want to put forth the effort-
I know as well as so many others how incidious mental illess is- I know so well the daily struggles, the sleepless nights, the anger, loneliness, fear, - How hard we have to push ourselves to just get ourselves out of bed, clean, go to a store, talk to people...I hate that keeping our relationship alive may not be enough for him to want to keep trying.. Today he asked me if I was "happy".. I only recall being happy 2 times in my life- The births of my sons... How could I answer that?? I didn't share that with him- I feel he resents them as it is. I simply said "I'm working on it"... and changed the subject....
I'm trying to make more of an effort in writing about my deeper feelings here- I'm very good- an expert, really, on skirting the issue of ME.
I'm looking at the tiny scars on my hands and thinking how very much we all deserve to be free.. The "tension" scars, as I call them are superficial... The deep ones I keep well hidden..I think it's time to expose them and face them... Wish me luck..

Love and Peace to you all,
Mad***

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

It's here!!

Today "Rent" was released on DVD- my legs couldn't carry me fast enough to go and get my copy!! B/f and the boys are running for cover as they've been listening to the soundtrack as long as they've known me, although, my loyal younger son Patrick, watched it with me- I thought he was just being kind, knowing how excited I was in getting it, but he actually watched it a 2nd time !! I'm so glad at least one guy in my house appreciates theatre- The other 2 are hopeless Barbarians.. Nobody bleeds enough in this film to suit them , and there are no sports- What could possibly be entertaining about it? they ask :) I leave you with one of my favorite songs from the movie. Do see it if you have the chance :)

The Heart May Freeze Or It Can Burn
The Pain Will Ease If I Can Learn
There Is No Future There Is No Past
I Live This Moment As My Last

There's Only Us There's Only This
Forget Regret Or Life Is Yours To Miss
No Other Road No Other Way
No Day But Today

There's Only Yes
Only Tonight
We Must Let Go
To Know What's Right
No Other Course
No Other Way
No Day But Today

I Can't Control My Destiny I Trust My Soul
My Only Goal Is Just - To Be
There's Only Now
There's Only Here
Give In To Love
Or Live In Fear

No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today

Peace*,
Mad***

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Sunday, February 19, 2006

So here you have it!

My take on the following :) Thank You Mister Gun! * kiss*

1. Three bloggers you would love to meet in person.
I would love to meet them all, just some in my living room, and others in a dark alley ;)

2. Three movies that are so bad they are good:
Well, my first choice is ANYthing Mel Brooks . You have to be a certain breed to appreciate as funny what doesn’t go right over your head. If you’ve never seen “High Anxiety”, you simply must! You’ll either agree with me that the man is a genius, or .. well.. you’ll agree with the majority that he’s not! J
Xanadu- How I fantasized about being in that movie! I even used the “Magic” song for my skating program!
Yentyl- Poor Babs, everyone thought her movie just sucked ass.. Except for me- the music was wonderful- Nothing like Belting out “Papa can you hear Me?” along with the soundtrack- Good times!
3. A celebrity that you believe is most likely gay but never "came out".
Tom Cruise, definitely. Granted he was married to the lovely Nicole, but experience has taught him to surround himself with naive little girls who aren't quite bright enough to question his utter indifference (except when he’s acting, of course..*Note to Tom* Come on out already! You’ll be soo glad you did!!!

4. Most public place you ever had sex and did anyone see you?
OMG Elevator Sex!!! For another blog

5. Longest you ever went without sleep and why?
About 6 days- A few friends and I went to LA- Thinking it would be way cool to “see the country” on the way out- we traveled by train- The catch was- every backyard is visible from train tracks- littered with old appliances, cars, and dead Christmas trees..And every train station in every major city is located in HELL of said city- I was Afraid to close my eyes! We safely disembarked in the legendary skid- row, greeted by urine – permiated drunks looking for dates - another blog as well

6. Your three most favorite blogs.
Dwelling in the Void (that boy ain’t right) It’s a Sunshine Day , Miscellaneous Mumblings- These all provide me with my daily fix of whatever it is I thrive on If you are on my link list, you are also one of my favs- And if You’re not and I know you, You are, too, I just haven’t added links in Forever! see previous blog about being a tard

7. Have you even been nude in public and did anyone see you?
Yes, it was on a private beach on Cape Cod- However, I failed to realize it was next to a very public clothing-optional beach-The first Ralph Cramden look alike that strut past me in all his glory quickly prompted me to get dressed and fast!! I don’t care what people say, either- Those folks are constantly inventorying one another’s packages - Eeeeeeeeek!!

8. Your funniest childhood memory?
When we planted a walkie talkie in a nun’s office and spoke to her in demon voices- She was evil- It was sweet revenge

9. Scariest (real or perceived) thing that ever happened to you?
When Sean was 3, we went to a Pet expo- I turned to get Patrick out of his stroller and when I turned back, Sean was gone!!..It took 5 minutes to find him.. the longest 5 minutes I’ve ever endured- I found him holding the hand of an older man- heading toward the exit!!! Police were called…A living nightmare .

10. Worst trouble you ever got in?
See # 8
I never really got into trouble- That, is, got caught-I was more afraid of my Mom finding out than anything- That kept me safe and alive longer than I would have left to my own devices

Thank You, Kevin- This was actually fun- My movie reviews pale compared to yours though- You should become a critic J
Hhmmm who to tag…. Ok, Apos and Lauren.. * mwaahahahahaaa!!

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Cough, sputter, hack..

Before I begin, Please join me in Wishing our Teressa well. She is hospitalized with pneumonia, but latest reports are she's doing better. I've gotten to know a bit more of Teressa since moving over here, and I have the utmost admiration for this wonderful lady. She has a heart of solid gold, and is often the voice of reason for me when we talk in the tower. Please get well soon, Teressa, I miss you :)
Next, Congratulations to Mister Gun, the winner of the coveted "Toodle"!! Many of us were there to see him accept this prestigious award, I myself shimmering in Gucci, while the other ladies were equally stunning in their Haute' Couture. Mister Gun looked positively edible! The evening was enchanting, to say the least, the only downside was when a Pirate showed up with a fake tan, grabbing goody bags looking much like a Russian peasant hoarding toilet paper..Sometimes even the most glorious events aren't without gnats..

The bigger stories out of the way, I am feeling much better after a week of bronchitis- Honestly, I don't ever remember being this sick! The boys were sick, and B got his a few days ago. He seems to have it even worse than we did, poor guy. He was so good taking care of us all week,cleaning, cooking, medicating and soothing us, now this is his reward. :( At least I'm feeling strong enough now to return the favor- I lost 10 pounds this week!! Not my ideal method of trimming up, and I'm sure now that my appettite has returned, so will my 10 pounds- whatever..
It's once again come to my attention I have been tagged by the latest troll survey. I did NOT groan! :) My response will come right after this post :) I hope you all are well, and doing what you do with your usual style and Grace- NASCAR lovers, I'll miss you- I feel like a NASCAR widow lol I've really tried to watch it, but I get confused.. and dizzy... and..I spot a piece of lint on the carpet and have to get up and vacuum it :) You'd HATE to have me around during NASCAR , enjoy it anyway!
I Love and Miss You all!
Peace**,
Mad

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Sickety sick sick!!!

That's me. Sean was kind enough to share his bronchitis with me (well, bronchitis -typical synptoms) Fever, cough, chills and my chest feels it will eviscerate when I cough..I cannot recall ever having been sick so often in 12 months time in my life! For a germophobe , that's something- See?? It's the SPORES!! People need to stay the fuck home and contain their Spores!
Thank You, Thank You, Mister Gun, for your kind words on your blog- Had me all misty-eyed :) I realise I've been tagged, so will work on that in my lucid moments :)

For now, I am retreating to my bed with gingerale and maybe Jay Leno or Letterman..decisions, decisions.... I rarely watch TV- but b/f has retreated to the sofa (to stay out of the line of fire from my SPORES!!!) So I'm having a me alone in a Biiig Bed party :) Don't get me wrong- another warm body is nice, but overrated :)
Will catch up soon!
Love to All :)
Mad**

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Saturday, February 11, 2006

Well Color Me Happy!

I am back!!!!!!! NO internet in close to 2 weeks with the exception of a few stints where I was able to read an email or make a comment before getting booted in the ass- I think had I not had ANY connection at all, I could live with that- It's knowing that you MIGHT get through your email- or MIGHT get to read blogs that frustrated the hell outta me, and of course I would have to subject myself to the frustration of writing half a blog and getting ousted, or trying to send off an email, only to have it disintegrate before my eyes!! The good news is that with all the down time, I have my term papers completed (not due till March!!) So party on!!!
Things on the home front are stable *knock knock* at present- I saw M the other day and he wrote me an order for a full-spectrum light, which is supposed to alleviate depression of the seasonal variety. Let's hope :).. B/f and I went furniture shopping today- I have had the same living room for over 10 years!! I hesitated to buy new while the boys were younger, so have clung to this set and surprisingly, it's in pretty good condition. My nephew is moving off-campus in the spring, so he'll inherit that..OK, so that was exciting lol.
The new set is Sex-eeee!! Humongous over-stuffed sofa and a chaise , with a loveseat and gigantic ottoman :) Of course I snapped up a swatch of fabric and headed straight to Bombay for pillows :)
Last weekend was the memorial Mass for my Mom- nice evening, we all went out to dinner afterwards and it was actually really enjoyable- I just seated myself away from the fools :)
My niece, who is 17 gave me a birthday gift..all I can say is OMG.. J is an artist and talented beyond belief, not just cause she's my niece, because she truly IS . She has won awards for her work, and has been accepted at some very impressive schools- Her younger sister, M is talented as well :) What really impresses me about J is that she is so profoundly intelligent and the most humble person I know. She's what Mom would call an "old soul" wise waaay beyond her years :) Anyway, her gift to me was a painting :) Words cannot do it justice- but what struck me most was the emotion it provoked in me- Like she KNEW the affect it would have on me.. It's a beachscape, with incredible coloring in the sand and water..A wide hazy blue sky, and waaay up high, floating is a tiny red balloon...I know I never told her this, but there are so many ways this work just fits me- First, my absolute favorite movie as a child was one called "The Red Balloon". There is minimal dialogue in the movie, it takes place in Paris, in a part that sadly, no longer exists (it was filmed in 1959) And it shows a young boy who finds a red balloon tied to a lightpost- he climbs up and releases the balloon and it follows him all over Paris :) My description doesn't do it justice- it's a must-see , if you can find it :) Secondly, When I was a child I wrote an essay about "What I'd like to be if I could be anything" I wrote about being a balloon, and seeing the world from way up high, and being free, going wherever the wind would take me..blah blah..My essay won a contest ..spooky :)
When J was 3, my mom passed- It was really hard for her to understand that "Grammy Jeanne" was gone. One day, I went to visit with them and she asked me to please bring GJ back to her. The next time I went, I brought a balloon.. She and I went outside and set it free. me telling her that it was going up to GJ, and GJ would be very happy that we sent it to her :) Since that day, she has NEVER held on to a balloon! She'd send every one up! :)
I've been trying to write her a letter, letting her know how deeply touched I am by her gift, but so far, haven't found the words- I did, however, find a copy of The Red Balloon, which will accompany my letter.
So how are you all? I'll be jumping around a bit catching up on you, so bear with me if I've not yet written or commented- I promise, I will :) As much as I've missed my internet "fix" I've missed you all most of all. You are always in my thoughts- I couldn't stop wondering "How is Tiny with her kitten? What's K up to? Is Babs ok? Has Apos strangled anyone yet? Did Lisa get her iced coffee? Has Lauren managed to not poke her eye out with the mascara wand? Has Denise kicked ass and taken names ? Is JS trippin on ambien? *jumping out of the line of fire*
Is Teressa STILL listening to CCR??
These are the things I ponder when I'm away :) Makes ya wonder, eh?
So off I go to catch up- I love you all to pieces and have missed you!
Seeya soon!
Peace*,
Mad

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Thursday, February 02, 2006

Fact or Fiction?

OK, so of my 2 truths and one lie, the winner is...... I am not, or have I ever been a member of MENSA. I don't even know if I'd qualify, but I despise elitist organizations- I'd much prefer to join GreenPeace or something equally benevolent :)
Now, on to the shocker- Yes, my Grandfather DID in fact murder my grandmother. I never knew either of them, she died about 10 years before I was born. This is only something I learned after my Mom passed, as I set out to do some geneological research. It was her deep, dark secret that she took with her to the grave. My brothers had no knowledge of it either. Evidently after this incredibly trauamtic event in her life, she cut off all contact with her extended family and never looked back. My guess it was just too painful for her to keep in touch- A constant reminder of this tragedy. My grandfather had been an abusive drunk- it lasted years before the one night he just went too far. News stories from back then tell how he carefully dressed her in her wedding gown and lay her in the bathtub before calling the police. He was tried and convicted, and served 10 WHOLE YEARS in jail. They ruled the death accidental- What's even more tragic is that this shit still goes on.. take a moment, if you please and remember Helen Nalley- The woman who didn't know she had choices, or if she did, was bound so much by terror, she couldn't get out..
On a lighter note, yes, a moderately famous actor/comedian (wildly famous of course in these parts, home town boy makes it big and all, lol) had a on again-off again relationship. It's quite true about many comedians having a really dark side, although, I must say, he treated me like a lady at all times and was charming and carzy as all get-up. He stars in a weekly serial/drama thing presently, and does wonderful charitable work. I've seen him once in the last 10 years- It was one of those amicable breakups where we could always think of one another, smile, and wish each other well.. :)
Sorry about the MENSA lie, but I AM wicked good at Jeopardy! :)
I hope you all are well . As always you are in my good thoughts :)
Peace*,
Mad

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Tagged..

...Naahh , not really, so I went and tagged myself. I totally understand you guys-I mean, who REALLY wants to hear all about a pre-menopausal woman wearing crappy perfume? I don't have a HUGE schlong to boast, or pet cockroaches, but I CAN tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue :) So there!

3 names you answer to:
Kelly
Kel
Mom
3 parts of your heritage:
75% Irish
25% german
And I have a great great Uncle who played the Cornet in John Philip Sousa's band

3 things that scare me:
Insects- My brothers once filled my bed with crickets- I am scarred for life!
My Sons being hurt or ill- I wake up nights and run to check them
Violence and shouting- the one thing that can cause me to completely withdraw into myself-it paralyses me...

.3 of your everyday essentials:
Coffee- GOOD coffee
Lip Gloss
My music- It's what wakes me up, and keeps my mood up-


!3 things you are wearing right now:
Jeans- belted with a green silk scarf
A black v-neck top with long bell sleeves
And my ridiculously comfortable RocketDog black ballet slippers

3 of your favorite songs:
Coming Out of the dark- Gloria Estefan back in my early days of recovery,I wore this one out!
Against the Wind- Bob Seger
The Long and Winding Road- The Beatles

3 things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
Affection- nothing says more than an unexpected hug or passionate kiss when least expected :)
Laughter,and sharing a similar sense of humor
Trust!

2 truths and 1 lie (in any order):
My Grandfather killed my Grandmother
I am a member of MENSA
I Dated a well-known Actor-Comedian

.3 things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
Above average intelligence- not in a brainiac sense- but someone who embraces learning new things
A guy who adores his mother-If you want to know how he'll treat you- pay attention to that!
impeccable grooming


3 of your favorite hobbies:
Drawing (I stick to pencil and charcoal but would love to explore COLOR)
Blogging
Winter sports -playing, as opposed to watching! :)

3 places you want to go:
Paris-
London( again)
A long road trip all over America- I'd love to see and get to know people from different regions

3 things you want to do before you die:
See my sons as adults
Wake up one day and know I've come to terms with my past
Live in NYC

.3 ways that you are stereotypically a male/female:
I am A HUGE fashion Ho!
I am stronger than most men :)
When the going gets tough- I turn to chocolate

I don't know 3 people who haven't taken this-
But if you haven't- Get goin'!!

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