Coming out of the Dark

Friday, March 31, 2006

Femme Fatale

That's me! .. Not really, but thinking maybe my baked ziti did him in (almost) . *sheepish grin*.
So, B has been ill. It started with what he described as "indigestion", and despite my urging him to see a Doc, he kept blowing it off and od-ing on Tums...One of the things that annoys the shit outta me is whenever he complains, I tell him what he should do- After all, I AM a nurse, and a reasonably smart one at that. Does he listen? Noooooooo!!! He'll talk to one of his buddies, (usually the chef, or the computer geek) and they will often times give him the very same advice- THEN he does it!! Arrrgggg!!!
Ok so back to last weekend- this shit always happens on weekends. B's Doc is a relly nice guy- they are long time friends and have been so since before I was born :) Nice, however doesn't necessarily mean effective in some cases. Anyway, I finally convince B to call said Doc friend, and he finally, after my urging him to, agrees B should be seen. We meet him in the ER, where the usual tests are run, and surprise! B has a bit of a cardiac episode in the works. He was admitted and had an angioplasty done (where they attempt to clear occluded coronary arteries) and has 3, yes count em' THREE stents placed. He was functioning on just more than half capacity, NOT good!
Besides me, he is the worst patient I've ever known. But in my own defense, at least I have legitimate reasoning behind my non-compliance- I know what's available to me, and what I will and will not tolerate. He just refuses things because he can. I got a call from the hospital on day one. B is refusing to allow blood tests. WTF? why?? because "I'm sick of it all " Ok, B, says I- pack your bag and come home to die". He took his tests , I'm sure thinking he'd rather suffer at the hands of a phlebotomist than suffer the wrath of Me :)
Between this hospital bullshit and everything else, I am more than exhausted- He's home and doing well, thankfully, but I patiently await his apology for being such an ass - better not hold my breath :)
In other news, I'm feeling a little better today- the past 2 weeks have been a roller coaster, one day I'm feeling motivated, the next it's all I can do to get out of bed. P had a huge tantrum the other night, maaan, haven't seen one of those in close to a year- We were working on his cloning project when I suggested we try something different- He completely wigged!! Ripped everything he'd done into a million pieces, said I was a control freak hahahaha wait till he's old enough to have a girlfriend :)
I waited until the next day when he was calm, to make him redo the work he'd destroyed- He was not a happy camper- He's always been coddled by me- maybe too much, alot because I often feel tremendous guilt about his being bipolar- Like it's my fault.. Yes, genetics and all, but when it comes to my children, rational thoughts escape me. ANd of course, being who I am, it's so convenient to blame myself for things I truly have no control over.
The boys are having friends over tonight, So off I go to get snacks and such- I hope You are all well. I'll be back to catch up with all of your blogs later. I miss you all more than you can know.
Love and Peace*,
Mad

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

Cloning, Ranting, and Baked Ziti..

So I hit the send button before I even wrote the body here. Neat title, nonetheless :). Notice I've been incorporating food into my titles? That's because I know of one other person here that loves to eat as much as I do *nudging my wicked twin*.
First my rant so I can go back to living a civilized life. I woke up today in a mood that would make the meanest bad-asses cry out for their mommies. Nothing was right, and just the sound of B's voice could easily send me over the edge. Sometimes I wonder wtf people are thinking, or if they even do. I got up this morning to the sound of his voice telling Patrick to clean my car., and NOT in a nice way. It just set the tone for the rest of my day. Nothing he could do was right after that, so I figured I'd get myself out and allow us some time apart until I could chill. P and I went to the Library to do some research for an upcoming school project. He is presenting "cloning" , which I'm actually enjoying learning more about. At the library,( which is sooo cool- they just spent millions rebuilding it and it is awesome!) we went to check out some books- Now up until recently, Cybil had their library cards. There is a smaller branch right next to his house, and so it was just convenient for them to visit while they were there. They didn't visit often because both their schools have huge libraries and we always found what we needed at school. Soooo checkout was fun- 87 freakin' dollars in the hole because there were numerous unreturned materials!!!!!!! (hahah had to laugh, tho- one of the missings was a book called "prozac nation" ..Wondering if Cybil was considering it) hahhahahaha...Well, still in my very black mood, I drive over to Cyb's and tell him about the missing things, and the cost- What an ASS- he's ready to write a check- Instead, I move past him and right up to his computer room, and find everything!!! What a complete idiot! I then go back to the library- return the things, the lady waives the overdue fines, and I have P's card transferred to MY address, and a new card and # issued..Cyb calls me later and asks me if I still needed the $, so I said to myself- screw it- He inconvenienced and embarrassed me, I had to drive all over to get the books we need, So, because I'm big on NOT lying I said "there were over $50 in fines" just omitting the fact that they were also waived :)) No guilt there- He's never paid a copayment or dentist bill in his life. (see how I justify my evil? *grin*)
I came home, and because B is kind of a picky eater(actually he HAS to be, ulcers, etc.) I decided to make baked ziti with my world famous made-from-scratch sauce. I should be locked up on days like today-B ate it without a word.. It was truly delectable, but knowing I made it just to feed my bitchfest left me feeling a tad guilty.
Last night I watched "Deliverance" with Jon Voight. OMG.. I recall the dueling banjos, but actually when the film came out, I was much too young to see it. Creepy stuff! Just plain weird!
But I watched it all, by myself, long after B and the guys had gone to bed. Maybe that's why I was in such a mood today...
I am off to visit Pogoland and play games until I can't see straight- Hope You all are well :)
Later!! xoxoxo
Peace*,
Mad

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Cookie Dough, Evening Primrose, and Academics..

Maaaan, it's been a wild couple of weeks- I've had little time to gather my thoughts, and the days I've been home, I'm just soo tired all the time. It's finally spring break- thinking I should go to Daytona with the party cats, but alas, those days are long gone for moi. I did end up dropping a class- I just can't seem to focus and am finding all this multi-tasking way too much for this girl to handle.
B and I are doing ok, actually, but there's a problem. Seems I'm experiencing some of what is referred to as "sexual side effects" probably from meds, but could I be in the early stages of mental pause? It just sucks either way- thus my title evening primrose- B brought me some last week- it actually DOES work, but what about my burned out brain and lack of interest in anything? B is a huge vitamin fanatic- It's all I can do to take my meds consistently, never mind vitamins that are all the size of a nuclear warhead, and leave your mouth tasting like battery acid and your urine looking like PineSol, you know that irridescent glow?
Do you ever get the feeling you just have not much to say? I know I write mostly for me here, but sometimes I feel like I just have nothing to contribute-My thoughts sometimes even make ME yawnnnn.
P brought home a fundraiser for school- Cookie dough- all kinds- I looked at the cover and drooled over the pictures of chocolate macadamia and White chocolate chunk cookies, only to open it up and find that 3 pounds of dough cost $15 and up!! WTF? The other concern was that they are stored at room temperature, and only need to be chilled after opening..It just sounds sooo...artificial. Guess I'll buy some to help the cause, and hope we don't all glow in the dark after eating these things..
My neice, J was accepted into the Museum of Fine Arts School!! Yay, J!! One of the local newspapers featured her last week as a "Future Leader".. Very exciting times !
I finally wrote her a letter thanking her for the painting, and was able to find a copy of "The Red Balloon" for her.. She was floored , as was I when I saw this painting, made just for me :)

M, (the pdoc) and I had a great talk- He has decided to start a group (yes, I know, the word group usually sends me running for cover) for children and parents with ADD and Bipolar Disorder- He would like Patrick and I to participate, to share our experiences with other families who are going through much of what we have gone through.. It's in the planning stages now, so we shall see :)
I'm really trying not to look at the school thing as being a failure, but I'm struggling with that- People carry full course loads and cruise right on through- I try Part-part- time, and it kicks my ass...Being sick didn't help, but I still feel like I had too much on my plate..
I'm having alot of memories of my past that are disturbing as well- Things I had long stuffed away- My dreams are vivid, my memories even more so. I seem to be recollecting things that happened, and when I recall them, it's like it's happening all over. Several times I've awakened from sound sleep in tears, feeling the pain as if it were fresh.. Will be seeing therapist tomorrow, and will tell her..
Sorry this is a bit rambly..I don't really know what to say today, but maybe now with a lighter load I can gather my thoughts and make some sense- Not to mention, I'll have more time to write. I have committed myself to writing here at least once weekly, and hopefully more- Even if it's just to say " Hi, I'm alive. Please feel free to kick me in the ass if I slip up :)
I hope YOu're all well, I miss you as always.
Ohh and does anyone know what's up with the tower? I can't access it- keeps redirecting me??
I REALLY miss chatting there..
Talk to you all soon, I hope..
Peace*,
Mad

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Monday, March 06, 2006

Cher Chez Le Femme

I've not written enough lately- things have been a little hectic, and by late night, my ambition is completely gone, but I do want you all to know I have been reading you and commenting here and there- I'll get to you all eventually- Please know you are all in my thoughts, though.
Mr BYG has done it again- Yes, he's inspired me with his trips down memory lane- Here's one I toally played to death! I was more of a rocker than a Disco queen, but these lyrics just spoke to me!! So get on your platforms and gold chains, tight jeans, and polyester and come Freak with me! :)

Tommy Mottola lives on the road
He lost his lady two months ago
Maybe he'll find her, maybe he won't
Oh, wonderHe sleeps in the backOf his big grey Cadillac,
oh my honeyBlowing his mind on cheap grass and wine
Oh, ain't it crazy baby, heyI guess you could say hey, hey
The man has learned his lesson,
oh heyNow he's alone
He's got no woman and no home
For misery,

oh, ohCherchez la femme

Miggie, Miggie Bonija's very upset
She's sick and tired of living in debt
Tired of roaches and tired of rats
I know she is, oooh
So her noble man says"Baby I understand, oh my honey"
Now he's working two jobs at Eighth Avenue bars
Oh, ain't crazy baby
Now she complainsThat her man is never present, no
She goes next door
I know that she's just playing the whore
Hey for misery my friend,

heyCherchez la femme[Instrumental Interlude]

They'll tell you a lieWith a colgate smile,
hey babyLove you one second and hate you the next one
Oh, ain't it crazy,
yeahAll I can say, ay,
heyOf one thing I am certain, ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo
They're all the same
All the sluts and the saints
For misery my friend

Cherchez la femme
Hey now, Cherchez la femme
Oh babe, Cherchez la femme
Yeah, Cherchez la femme
Oooh that's amora,
Cherchez
Oooh that's amora,
Cherchez
Amora amora be mine, be mine-Devine !
(Oooh that's amora, Cherchez)
Cherchez la femme(Se si bon, Se si bon, Se si bon)
Cherchez la femme, rumba(Se si bon, Se si bon,
Se si bon)Cherchez la femme, rumba

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