Coming out of the Dark

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Mercy Sakes!!!

OK, First, I had a super-cool image to upload, but alas, I am a blogtard, and it's not to be. I will eventually master this, but first I have to read about it- I'm not good at reading directions- I'm the one who glues everything together and prays :)
I have to make a correction re: my previous blog. I am NOT, repeat NOT taking 100 mg of Lexapro a day I take 30- lol I mistakenly mixed up that dose with that of another med I'm taking, Topomax- Yikes! I imagine I would be somewhere in the bowels of Miss Bab's Blogville asylum, in solitary, eating roaches and contemplating the true meaning of the M&M candies colors and taming rodents to deliver secret messages upstairs to the other inmates.

The ex, (Cybil) has a new mission in life- It's to drive me straight to the very place mentioned above. It's really sad, actually to watch a grown man with the horrible disease of alcoholism progress into a paranoid, delusional, pathologically lying deviant who has nothing better to do than try to gain back his control (of me). His latest mission is in regards to child support- I obtained a court order for the same 9 years ago- the amount has not changed- I certainly could have gone back for increases over the years, but it was important to me to be able to provide for my sons independent of anyone else and part of me secretly wanted to show him I could. And I did, and have. I'm much more proud of the fact that I have raised 2 very nice young men, who know they are loved, and trust me to talk to about anything. Well, Cybil has applied for disability benefits, and therefore the boys will be awarded money as well, as part of these benefits. There is a whole list of conditions, and I will be required to keep track of how that money is used, to be sure I'm not blowing it on booze and gambling like some parents might *cough*, and submit a report a couple of times a year- Cybil recieved notification of the boys benefits and is fuming!! He thinks they are taking away from him in order to provide for the boys- As it was explained to me- that's not the case- he would recieve the same amount whether the boys got anything or not..Endless phone calls and emails from Cybill asking me to help him out and verbal abuse has nearly driven me over the edge. I have NO control over what the Dept of Revenue, Feds, or anyone else does- he doesn't get that- I think what he really wants is for me to say "Ok, Cyb, I'll just take a chunk of those funds and hand them over to you, so you may live in the manner in which you are accustomed..I won't. First of all, as I said, I have to account for all of it, and show proof of how the $ was used- Second, he's an asshole, end of story.
The next bomb dropped was when I went to get P's meds last week- The cashier cheerfully punched in her numbers and says "That will be $494, please" WTF!!!!!????
Our health insurance, ( another mandated court thing, for him to keep them on his plan) was terminated due to non-payment of the premium. P's meds alone, not counting therapist and pdoc, will cost in excess of $3500 per month. I called Cyb and very non-threateningly asked him what was up- He went on a tirade yelling and cussing telling me he refuses to support me..I tried to reason, even offering to share the expense, which was met with more accusations, including the comment "even your own son (P) thinks you're a C***. I tried, I really tried..

A call to the lawyer and he has until Wednesday to have the boys insurance reinstated or he will be arrested for contempt. This is worse than when we were going through a divorce. Now he has his girlfriend calling me, and his own family has told him to stop- His mother ( yes he lives with mom, and contributes nothing to her for doing so) had the upstairs phone line removed, so if he wants to call me , he has to do so downstairs in plain view and hearing of anyone around. I didn't tell her about his calls, she heard them.. This is the soap opera I divorced many years ago, revisiting my life once again. I've done my best to ignore it, and won't take his calls, although he does manage to get through when the boys are home, as I don't want them to be dragged into the middle.

Hard to imagine I once felt something for this man. Even harder to see him evolve into a very bitter old man, who has managed to alienate his family and friends. He once was a very handsome,caring, intelligent man, the one I married. This, my friends, is alcoholism. The brunt of the damage falls upon the afflicted one, but what a ripple effect!!.. I left him to protect my sons from having to live with it on a daily basis- All I can really do to protect them now is validate their feelings, when and if they ever choose to talk about that. I have gently talked about it in a casual way, and mindful to not talk directly about it in relation to anyone we know. P, especially is fiercely loyal and protective of Cybil..It's a tough call, so I really won't discuss it unless one of them approaches me.
Sorry this has been such a long-winded whining session, but I can't really talk to B about it when the boys are nearby (most of the time), although he's been very supportive and especially comforting- I just needed to get this all out. If you're still here, thanks for listening:)

I hope you are all well :)
Peace and Love*,
Mad

.....................

Friday, April 07, 2006

K: Portrait of a Middle Aged Runaway

So, yes, I am , in fact, still among the living. It's been another tough few weeks, with so much going on and a vicious cycle of insomnia keeping me awake most nights until 3 a.m. or later (earlier?). Thank you all who have emailed and left messages- I truly suck for not at least hopping in to say "my life sucks but I still love you all".. My Jewish mothers have guilted me into coming out from my self-imposed exile to say "hey".. * Note: If you are Jewish this is NOT a slam- We ALL know what Jewish mother's are like , bless their hearts :) And, no you all didn't really guilt me- I know I've gone astray, I need that kick in the ass now and then :)

Emotionally, I've just been kinda stagnant- It may be the change in seasons, and if so it generally lasts a few weeks, then, like a spring flower I blossom into.... ROBO-Bitch!!!

That's when I get a burst of energy and whip my house, kids, and anything else that annoys me into shape! So far I have in my grand plan to redecorate my dining room, my bedroom, and plant some herbs and veggies outside. We'll see how that goes.

B is doing so much better- hard to keep a good man down, I guess - Or is it good to keep a....? :)

He jokes about me "poisoning " him with baked ziti - hahaha We all know if I wanted to off him he'd be fertilizing those lovely weeping willows as we speak :)

Babs, I love your new term "lexacoma" hahahaha so verrry true!!! I am up to 100 mg daily- it's kicking ass with me, but whatcha gonna do? I do know this- Do NOT ever just stop taking it- Miss Nurse know-it-all did that once and became a homicidal maniac!! Made Joan Crawford look like MaryfuckingPoppins!! Ahhhh the good old days, eh?
In other news, therapy is going very well- I'm still deeply affected by my frequent trips down memory lane- I hate this- I wish I could simply get over this crap- close the door and don't look back. I tend to minimize things in regards to my feelings and things that have hurt me, thinking it's all in the past and often making excuses for those who hurt me- I'm getting better at accepting that horrible things were done and said and they were wrong, just wrong-It does seem to me that when I face some things and verbalize them, the process is painful, but the outcome is a positive one in that I feel as though another heavy load has been lifted , not removed- I can't erase things, but processing them seems to put them back where they belong- In my past :)

I hope you all are doing well, I cannot access the tower still-And I really really miss you all there!!
Lisa- I'll leave you a comment but if you see this first- email me :)

Talk to you all soon!
Peace*
Mad

.....................