Coming out of the Dark

TRB and other goodies....

2006-07-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

Hi again, everyone :)
After a long and much needed hiatus, I thought I'd check in and catch up a little with you all. I hope everyone is getting by okay :). The past couple of months have been chaotic to say the least, from being summoned to court by TRB (the ratbastard), for- Yes, you're reading this correctly- FULL custody of MY boys!!!! There have been a series of sit down meetings leading up to last weeks court date. TRB claimed the boys had asked him if they could live with him. Actually P had, after a particularly heated discussion about why he could not attend a party at his 16 year old cousin's house where there were no parents (TRB's family, of course). P is 12- it's just not going to happen. As often happens in divided families, when one parent puts a foot down, the other one is the good guy, and the child will decide they might cut a sweeter deal at the other place. TRB took this and ran with it. I'm happy to say, it was a total waste of his money and time. My boys remain with me. The Judge did all but tell him he was a complete moron, and advised him that when decisions I make for the good of the boys are presented, he should certainly back me up. His words "Those boys need a father, not another best buddy".. P is fine, and in the weeks leading up to the court date, told both Me and RB that he really was ok with staying here. I took advantage of my courtroom time (and astronomical legal fees) to set a few more things straight. Child support was to remain as is- The Judge, however, noted there had not been an increase in 10 years, and increased it. RB may see the boys every other weekend, If they so choose,but he is not allowed to drive them anyplace in his car ( he recently bought a car and in 2 months has had 1 DUI and a speeding ticket). Health insurance is not optional- he will provide it or go to jail. I had, since he had ours cancelled, enrolled us in a plan, and now he is responsible for the premium, which will be deducted from his wages. I'm not really happy about any of this, with the exception of the custody issue. I really wasn't looking for more money or insurance, but I do derive some satisfaction in seeing the fucktard bite himself in the ass :)
Next on the agenda was my surgery. A few months back I discovered a lump on my breast. Going in for a simple lumpectomy turned out to be far more than I'd bargained for.there were several "suspicious" lumps that I'd not detected- I was advised to have a mastectomy. none of the biopsies were malignant, but the risk I guess is high. I did go for 2 more opinions and the other 2 Dr.s didn't feel it was necessary to treat them so agressively at this point. I will have to have more frequent follow up screenings, but presently I am lump-free and all other tests have been negative.
Both my boys graduated last month , P from Elementary school, and S from Middle school :) I was so very proud of them both- S recieved numerous awards, P made it through the school year going up 2 grades in each subject. That's remarkable for P, as he still struggles with ADD and Bipolar :) He's such a different child than he was a few years ago- he's really driven to succeed now, where before he just didn't care. We have our frequent power struggles, and they're even tougher because of is behavioral issues, but he's maturing, and learning to choose his battles, as am I :)
BF and I are doing surprisingly well- the counseling, I'm certain is the key, but the daughter and xwife have been treating him like a dog, so I think he's beginning to appreciate me a tad more. He's always, for the most part treated me quite well, but things were getting stale, and he had Zee-ro patience with the boys- that's improved tremendously!!The end of the month the boys and I will be going off to the beach for a week- B/F will stay behind, as he and his nephew have just started a major contracting job, but we'll be going away in September, so he's happy- he's not the best person to have around at the height of tourist season, anyway :) Can we say "people person??"
In even more positive news, I took 2 classes for the first summer session and kicked ass!! I might be getting the hang of this school thing after all- *note to self- re-read this last paragraph next semester when you're wanting to bail :)

That's all the news that's fit to print at the moment- I hope everyone is well- I've missed you!
Peace and Love to All ***
Mad

6 Weird Things About Me

2006-05-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Lauren. Thanks, Sweetie!
"The rules are, once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 6 weird things or habits about yourself. In the end you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog

You heard it here first!!
1. I am ambidextrous (sp) . I can write with ease using either hand, although I favor the right because most things are Righty-friendly. In my school days the nuns tried desperately to save me by slapping the back of my left hand with a ruler every time they caught me using it. Something about "left handed demons"..

2. I am fiercely competitive- there's a word game I play where the highest scorers for the day are listed. Each day I HAVE to go there,play until I knock whoever is in 1st place out, then leave :)

3. I refuse to use any restroom but my own, unless it's a dire emergency. Once on a looong road trip, I made b/f stop at a monastary (they always look so immaculate). Those poooooooooor men are probably still recovering.

4. In relation to #3, I am a serious germophobe. Odors make me nuts, too. I carry a small can of concentrated air freshener in my purse (Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea ). If you smell, and insist upon invading my personal air space, I spray :)

5. I have frequent premonitions- 99% of the time they are accurate. When I was younger, I lost a close friend in an auto accident- The night before, I dreamed repeatedly of his car pulling up in front of my house, but nobody was in it. I've learned to listen to these thoughts, and have avoided some pretty scary stuff.

6. When I am alone, I spend my time in a dark room with the door closed- I Don't really come to life until someone is home with me.Then it's business as usual.

So there you have it- I'm sure thee are a few much weirder thigs about me- I've just not embraced them yet :)
I think you'v all been tagged, but if you haven't yet- here's an open invitation to do so :) Just leave me a note so I can compare my weirdness to yours )
Peace ,*
Mad

A Rock Feels No Pain...

2006-05-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

So, once again it's been too long. It seems sometimes the longer I stay away the harder it is to come back. I feel like a slug for not writing and visiting you all. The drama just keeps unfolding here, with ex problems, health concerns, and a million other little gems. I used to think that those of us who suffer with depression were less capable than those who do not. I recall back in the days before I sought treatment, how much of a struggle it was to venture out (still is) and even the simplest tasks( housecleaning,working, showering,paying bills, playing with kids, the list goes on) were major chores for me and often put aside waiting for a brighter day. I would often take advantage of my "up" days and usually burn myself out trying to give attention to all the things I neglected for so long. My thinking today is, in looking at the challenges I've faced in the past weeks, I would challenge anyone- depressed or not- to tackle this crap and still come out the other side as sane as they were going in. My last rant was all about Cybil, now to be known as "The RatBastard" or TRB. That story just keeps unfolding and twisting and turning into the be-all end-all of all ex-person nightmares. I won't bore you all with every detail, but he just sucks. I was called upon by a lawyer to "cease making phone calls and appealing to him for money" WTFFF?? The less I hear/see of this man, the happier I am. I haven't called him- he called ME, and He asked ME for money...I, less than politely declined and there you have it. Fortunately, I have records of his repeated, unanswered emails and their contents are not flattering to his demeanor..So that just keeps getting bigger and better. My sons still do not have insurance. I can't even tell where we are at this point- I have my lawyer handling it. TRB just thinks if he ignores it long enough it will go away(kinda like me?).
In other news, I had a bit of a scare, which isn't really over with yet, although I feel pretty good about it all at this point. Last month I discovered a lump on my breast. No biggie, actually, I have had them before and they are cysts. This one, however was a little different and I had it checked. Last week it was aspirated and I will be having the whole thing removed next week. Just a day procedure, but scary nonetheless. I also did something last month I haven't done in years- I stopped taking my meds. It's hard to describe, but it has happened before- I develop this weird aversion to pills- all forms -and I cannot bring myself to swallow them to save my soul. On the occasion I force myself to do so, I usually barf within 5 minutes. That has not done wonders for my state of mind- I go through each day knowing what I SHOULD do, and accomplishing nothing. I can't watch tv, read, write, occasionally I can play a game on the computer, but I become too agitated to pay attention, and usually bug off int he middle of a game. The boys have been busy with school and sports, P got an A+ on his cloning project, Yaym P! and every bit of energy I can muster goes into trying to keep things together here for them. My own childhood was so lacking in parental attention, as my Mom worked so much, I have always tried to provide them with as much stability as possible. They're older now, though, and can see much more- I can see them trying to help me more- I don't accept help as readily as I probably should- My biggest fear is someday not being well enough to care for myself and them thinking they have to do it. I would rather go out Kevorkian -style than burden them with that.The end of school is approaching- Yes I have managed to get my ass there, although I'm pretty disappointed in my performance- I think I will come out with pretty decent, if not pretty good grades, but I know if I had my shit together it would be alot better. First things first, though, as my Friends of Bill so often remind me :) I think they also suggested I keep things simple...Now if I can pull that off, Forrest gump will become Pope :) Now off I go to catch up a bit.
In the immortal words of Albert Einstein:
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." Albert Einstein
.... My Hero :)
I hope you all are well,
Much love to you all,
Mad***

Mercy Sakes!!!

2006-04-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

OK, First, I had a super-cool image to upload, but alas, I am a blogtard, and it's not to be. I will eventually master this, but first I have to read about it- I'm not good at reading directions- I'm the one who glues everything together and prays :)
I have to make a correction re: my previous blog. I am NOT, repeat NOT taking 100 mg of Lexapro a day I take 30- lol I mistakenly mixed up that dose with that of another med I'm taking, Topomax- Yikes! I imagine I would be somewhere in the bowels of Miss Bab's Blogville asylum, in solitary, eating roaches and contemplating the true meaning of the M&M candies colors and taming rodents to deliver secret messages upstairs to the other inmates.

The ex, (Cybil) has a new mission in life- It's to drive me straight to the very place mentioned above. It's really sad, actually to watch a grown man with the horrible disease of alcoholism progress into a paranoid, delusional, pathologically lying deviant who has nothing better to do than try to gain back his control (of me). His latest mission is in regards to child support- I obtained a court order for the same 9 years ago- the amount has not changed- I certainly could have gone back for increases over the years, but it was important to me to be able to provide for my sons independent of anyone else and part of me secretly wanted to show him I could. And I did, and have. I'm much more proud of the fact that I have raised 2 very nice young men, who know they are loved, and trust me to talk to about anything. Well, Cybil has applied for disability benefits, and therefore the boys will be awarded money as well, as part of these benefits. There is a whole list of conditions, and I will be required to keep track of how that money is used, to be sure I'm not blowing it on booze and gambling like some parents might *cough*, and submit a report a couple of times a year- Cybil recieved notification of the boys benefits and is fuming!! He thinks they are taking away from him in order to provide for the boys- As it was explained to me- that's not the case- he would recieve the same amount whether the boys got anything or not..Endless phone calls and emails from Cybill asking me to help him out and verbal abuse has nearly driven me over the edge. I have NO control over what the Dept of Revenue, Feds, or anyone else does- he doesn't get that- I think what he really wants is for me to say "Ok, Cyb, I'll just take a chunk of those funds and hand them over to you, so you may live in the manner in which you are accustomed..I won't. First of all, as I said, I have to account for all of it, and show proof of how the $ was used- Second, he's an asshole, end of story.
The next bomb dropped was when I went to get P's meds last week- The cashier cheerfully punched in her numbers and says "That will be $494, please" WTF!!!!!????
Our health insurance, ( another mandated court thing, for him to keep them on his plan) was terminated due to non-payment of the premium. P's meds alone, not counting therapist and pdoc, will cost in excess of $3500 per month. I called Cyb and very non-threateningly asked him what was up- He went on a tirade yelling and cussing telling me he refuses to support me..I tried to reason, even offering to share the expense, which was met with more accusations, including the comment "even your own son (P) thinks you're a C***. I tried, I really tried..

A call to the lawyer and he has until Wednesday to have the boys insurance reinstated or he will be arrested for contempt. This is worse than when we were going through a divorce. Now he has his girlfriend calling me, and his own family has told him to stop- His mother ( yes he lives with mom, and contributes nothing to her for doing so) had the upstairs phone line removed, so if he wants to call me , he has to do so downstairs in plain view and hearing of anyone around. I didn't tell her about his calls, she heard them.. This is the soap opera I divorced many years ago, revisiting my life once again. I've done my best to ignore it, and won't take his calls, although he does manage to get through when the boys are home, as I don't want them to be dragged into the middle.

Hard to imagine I once felt something for this man. Even harder to see him evolve into a very bitter old man, who has managed to alienate his family and friends. He once was a very handsome,caring, intelligent man, the one I married. This, my friends, is alcoholism. The brunt of the damage falls upon the afflicted one, but what a ripple effect!!.. I left him to protect my sons from having to live with it on a daily basis- All I can really do to protect them now is validate their feelings, when and if they ever choose to talk about that. I have gently talked about it in a casual way, and mindful to not talk directly about it in relation to anyone we know. P, especially is fiercely loyal and protective of Cybil..It's a tough call, so I really won't discuss it unless one of them approaches me.
Sorry this has been such a long-winded whining session, but I can't really talk to B about it when the boys are nearby (most of the time), although he's been very supportive and especially comforting- I just needed to get this all out. If you're still here, thanks for listening:)

I hope you are all well :)
Peace and Love*,
Mad

K: Portrait of a Middle Aged Runaway

2006-04-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

So, yes, I am , in fact, still among the living. It's been another tough few weeks, with so much going on and a vicious cycle of insomnia keeping me awake most nights until 3 a.m. or later (earlier?). Thank you all who have emailed and left messages- I truly suck for not at least hopping in to say "my life sucks but I still love you all".. My Jewish mothers have guilted me into coming out from my self-imposed exile to say "hey".. * Note: If you are Jewish this is NOT a slam- We ALL know what Jewish mother's are like , bless their hearts :) And, no you all didn't really guilt me- I know I've gone astray, I need that kick in the ass now and then :)

Emotionally, I've just been kinda stagnant- It may be the change in seasons, and if so it generally lasts a few weeks, then, like a spring flower I blossom into.... ROBO-Bitch!!!

That's when I get a burst of energy and whip my house, kids, and anything else that annoys me into shape! So far I have in my grand plan to redecorate my dining room, my bedroom, and plant some herbs and veggies outside. We'll see how that goes.

B is doing so much better- hard to keep a good man down, I guess - Or is it good to keep a....? :)

He jokes about me "poisoning " him with baked ziti - hahaha We all know if I wanted to off him he'd be fertilizing those lovely weeping willows as we speak :)

Babs, I love your new term "lexacoma" hahahaha so verrry true!!! I am up to 100 mg daily- it's kicking ass with me, but whatcha gonna do? I do know this- Do NOT ever just stop taking it- Miss Nurse know-it-all did that once and became a homicidal maniac!! Made Joan Crawford look like MaryfuckingPoppins!! Ahhhh the good old days, eh?
In other news, therapy is going very well- I'm still deeply affected by my frequent trips down memory lane- I hate this- I wish I could simply get over this crap- close the door and don't look back. I tend to minimize things in regards to my feelings and things that have hurt me, thinking it's all in the past and often making excuses for those who hurt me- I'm getting better at accepting that horrible things were done and said and they were wrong, just wrong-It does seem to me that when I face some things and verbalize them, the process is painful, but the outcome is a positive one in that I feel as though another heavy load has been lifted , not removed- I can't erase things, but processing them seems to put them back where they belong- In my past :)

I hope you all are doing well, I cannot access the tower still-And I really really miss you all there!!
Lisa- I'll leave you a comment but if you see this first- email me :)

Talk to you all soon!
Peace*
Mad

Femme Fatale

2006-03-31T17:46:00.000-08:00

That's me! .. Not really, but thinking maybe my baked ziti did him in (almost) . *sheepish grin*.
So, B has been ill. It started with what he described as "indigestion", and despite my urging him to see a Doc, he kept blowing it off and od-ing on Tums...One of the things that annoys the shit outta me is whenever he complains, I tell him what he should do- After all, I AM a nurse, and a reasonably smart one at that. Does he listen? Noooooooo!!! He'll talk to one of his buddies, (usually the chef, or the computer geek) and they will often times give him the very same advice- THEN he does it!! Arrrgggg!!!
Ok so back to last weekend- this shit always happens on weekends. B's Doc is a relly nice guy- they are long time friends and have been so since before I was born :) Nice, however doesn't necessarily mean effective in some cases. Anyway, I finally convince B to call said Doc friend, and he finally, after my urging him to, agrees B should be seen. We meet him in the ER, where the usual tests are run, and surprise! B has a bit of a cardiac episode in the works. He was admitted and had an angioplasty done (where they attempt to clear occluded coronary arteries) and has 3, yes count em' THREE stents placed. He was functioning on just more than half capacity, NOT good!
Besides me, he is the worst patient I've ever known. But in my own defense, at least I have legitimate reasoning behind my non-compliance- I know what's available to me, and what I will and will not tolerate. He just refuses things because he can. I got a call from the hospital on day one. B is refusing to allow blood tests. WTF? why?? because "I'm sick of it all " Ok, B, says I- pack your bag and come home to die". He took his tests , I'm sure thinking he'd rather suffer at the hands of a phlebotomist than suffer the wrath of Me :)
Between this hospital bullshit and everything else, I am more than exhausted- He's home and doing well, thankfully, but I patiently await his apology for being such an ass - better not hold my breath :)
In other news, I'm feeling a little better today- the past 2 weeks have been a roller coaster, one day I'm feeling motivated, the next it's all I can do to get out of bed. P had a huge tantrum the other night, maaan, haven't seen one of those in close to a year- We were working on his cloning project when I suggested we try something different- He completely wigged!! Ripped everything he'd done into a million pieces, said I was a control freak hahahaha wait till he's old enough to have a girlfriend :)
I waited until the next day when he was calm, to make him redo the work he'd destroyed- He was not a happy camper- He's always been coddled by me- maybe too much, alot because I often feel tremendous guilt about his being bipolar- Like it's my fault.. Yes, genetics and all, but when it comes to my children, rational thoughts escape me. ANd of course, being who I am, it's so convenient to blame myself for things I truly have no control over.
The boys are having friends over tonight, So off I go to get snacks and such- I hope You are all well. I'll be back to catch up with all of your blogs later. I miss you all more than you can know.
Love and Peace*,
Mad

Cloning, Ranting, and Baked Ziti..

2006-03-19T19:50:00.000-08:00

So I hit the send button before I even wrote the body here. Neat title, nonetheless :). Notice I've been incorporating food into my titles? That's because I know of one other person here that loves to eat as much as I do *nudging my wicked twin*.
First my rant so I can go back to living a civilized life. I woke up today in a mood that would make the meanest bad-asses cry out for their mommies. Nothing was right, and just the sound of B's voice could easily send me over the edge. Sometimes I wonder wtf people are thinking, or if they even do. I got up this morning to the sound of his voice telling Patrick to clean my car., and NOT in a nice way. It just set the tone for the rest of my day. Nothing he could do was right after that, so I figured I'd get myself out and allow us some time apart until I could chill. P and I went to the Library to do some research for an upcoming school project. He is presenting "cloning" , which I'm actually enjoying learning more about. At the library,( which is sooo cool- they just spent millions rebuilding it and it is awesome!) we went to check out some books- Now up until recently, Cybil had their library cards. There is a smaller branch right next to his house, and so it was just convenient for them to visit while they were there. They didn't visit often because both their schools have huge libraries and we always found what we needed at school. Soooo checkout was fun- 87 freakin' dollars in the hole because there were numerous unreturned materials!!!!!!! (hahah had to laugh, tho- one of the missings was a book called "prozac nation" ..Wondering if Cybil was considering it) hahhahahaha...Well, still in my very black mood, I drive over to Cyb's and tell him about the missing things, and the cost- What an ASS- he's ready to write a check- Instead, I move past him and right up to his computer room, and find everything!!! What a complete idiot! I then go back to the library- return the things, the lady waives the overdue fines, and I have P's card transferred to MY address, and a new card and # issued..Cyb calls me later and asks me if I still needed the $, so I said to myself- screw it- He inconvenienced and embarrassed me, I had to drive all over to get the books we need, So, because I'm big on NOT lying I said "there were over $50 in fines" just omitting the fact that they were also waived :)) No guilt there- He's never paid a copayment or dentist bill in his life. (see how I justify my evil? *grin*)
I came home, and because B is kind of a picky eater(actually he HAS to be, ulcers, etc.) I decided to make baked ziti with my world famous made-from-scratch sauce. I should be locked up on days like today-B ate it without a word.. It was truly delectable, but knowing I made it just to feed my bitchfest left me feeling a tad guilty.
Last night I watched "Deliverance" with Jon Voight. OMG.. I recall the dueling banjos, but actually when the film came out, I was much too young to see it. Creepy stuff! Just plain weird!
But I watched it all, by myself, long after B and the guys had gone to bed. Maybe that's why I was in such a mood today...
I am off to visit Pogoland and play games until I can't see straight- Hope You all are well :)
Later!! xoxoxo
Peace*,
Mad

Cookie Dough, Evening Primrose, and Academics..

2006-03-15T15:04:00.000-08:00

Maaaan, it's been a wild couple of weeks- I've had little time to gather my thoughts, and the days I've been home, I'm just soo tired all the time. It's finally spring break- thinking I should go to Daytona with the party cats, but alas, those days are long gone for moi. I did end up dropping a class- I just can't seem to focus and am finding all this multi-tasking way too much for this girl to handle.
B and I are doing ok, actually, but there's a problem. Seems I'm experiencing some of what is referred to as "sexual side effects" probably from meds, but could I be in the early stages of mental pause? It just sucks either way- thus my title evening primrose- B brought me some last week- it actually DOES work, but what about my burned out brain and lack of interest in anything? B is a huge vitamin fanatic- It's all I can do to take my meds consistently, never mind vitamins that are all the size of a nuclear warhead, and leave your mouth tasting like battery acid and your urine looking like PineSol, you know that irridescent glow?
Do you ever get the feeling you just have not much to say? I know I write mostly for me here, but sometimes I feel like I just have nothing to contribute-My thoughts sometimes even make ME yawnnnn.
P brought home a fundraiser for school- Cookie dough- all kinds- I looked at the cover and drooled over the pictures of chocolate macadamia and White chocolate chunk cookies, only to open it up and find that 3 pounds of dough cost $15 and up!! WTF? The other concern was that they are stored at room temperature, and only need to be chilled after opening..It just sounds sooo...artificial. Guess I'll buy some to help the cause, and hope we don't all glow in the dark after eating these things..
My neice, J was accepted into the Museum of Fine Arts School!! Yay, J!! One of the local newspapers featured her last week as a "Future Leader".. Very exciting times !
I finally wrote her a letter thanking her for the painting, and was able to find a copy of "The Red Balloon" for her.. She was floored , as was I when I saw this painting, made just for me :)

M, (the pdoc) and I had a great talk- He has decided to start a group (yes, I know, the word group usually sends me running for cover) for children and parents with ADD and Bipolar Disorder- He would like Patrick and I to participate, to share our experiences with other families who are going through much of what we have gone through.. It's in the planning stages now, so we shall see :)
I'm really trying not to look at the school thing as being a failure, but I'm struggling with that- People carry full course loads and cruise right on through- I try Part-part- time, and it kicks my ass...Being sick didn't help, but I still feel like I had too much on my plate..
I'm having alot of memories of my past that are disturbing as well- Things I had long stuffed away- My dreams are vivid, my memories even more so. I seem to be recollecting things that happened, and when I recall them, it's like it's happening all over. Several times I've awakened from sound sleep in tears, feeling the pain as if it were fresh.. Will be seeing therapist tomorrow, and will tell her..
Sorry this is a bit rambly..I don't really know what to say today, but maybe now with a lighter load I can gather my thoughts and make some sense- Not to mention, I'll have more time to write. I have committed myself to writing here at least once weekly, and hopefully more- Even if it's just to say " Hi, I'm alive. Please feel free to kick me in the ass if I slip up :)
I hope YOu're all well, I miss you as always.
Ohh and does anyone know what's up with the tower? I can't access it- keeps redirecting me??
I REALLY miss chatting there..
Talk to you all soon, I hope..
Peace*,
Mad

Cher Chez Le Femme

2006-03-06T22:58:00.000-08:00

I've not written enough lately- things have been a little hectic, and by late night, my ambition is completely gone, but I do want you all to know I have been reading you and commenting here and there- I'll get to you all eventually- Please know you are all in my thoughts, though.
Mr BYG has done it again- Yes, he's inspired me with his trips down memory lane- Here's one I toally played to death! I was more of a rocker than a Disco queen, but these lyrics just spoke to me!! So get on your platforms and gold chains, tight jeans, and polyester and come Freak with me! :)

Tommy Mottola lives on the road
He lost his lady two months ago
Maybe he'll find her, maybe he won't
Oh, wonderHe sleeps in the backOf his big grey Cadillac,
oh my honeyBlowing his mind on cheap grass and wine
Oh, ain't it crazy baby, heyI guess you could say hey, hey
The man has learned his lesson,
oh heyNow he's alone
He's got no woman and no home
For misery,

oh, ohCherchez la femme

Miggie, Miggie Bonija's very upset
She's sick and tired of living in debt
Tired of roaches and tired of rats
I know she is, oooh
So her noble man says"Baby I understand, oh my honey"
Now he's working two jobs at Eighth Avenue bars
Oh, ain't crazy baby
Now she complainsThat her man is never present, no
She goes next door
I know that she's just playing the whore
Hey for misery my friend,

heyCherchez la femme[Instrumental Interlude]

They'll tell you a lieWith a colgate smile,
hey babyLove you one second and hate you the next one
Oh, ain't it crazy,
yeahAll I can say, ay,
heyOf one thing I am certain, ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo
They're all the same
All the sluts and the saints
For misery my friend

Cherchez la femme
Hey now, Cherchez la femme
Oh babe, Cherchez la femme
Yeah, Cherchez la femme
Oooh that's amora,
Cherchez
Oooh that's amora,
Cherchez
Amora amora be mine, be mine-Devine !
(Oooh that's amora, Cherchez)
Cherchez la femme(Se si bon, Se si bon, Se si bon)
Cherchez la femme, rumba(Se si bon, Se si bon,
Se si bon)Cherchez la femme, rumba

Woman, interrupted...

2006-02-27T19:15:00.000-08:00

Greetings from sick bay! Thankfully I am finally feeling better- ended up going to the Doc's house on Sat (he's a friend) and I had pneumonia all this time!! He changed my antibiotic and gave me some super-nice cough syrup and an inhaler- the worst is over- said I should have been on this 2 weeks ago- The boys and B are over it, fortunately, (of course miss nurse was vigilant in checking their lung sounds throughout this but not her own :) ) So we are all pretty much back to biz as usual..
Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between my depression or general lousiness when I'm sick- I haven't been answering my phone unless it's b or the kids, and have basically been isolating myself- I know I have a busy week ahead with a gazillion appointments and school (I see the new therapist Wednesday *fingers crossed*) so I can't afford to be antisocial- Often times when I have things to do and don't want to go out, I manage to get myself out by visualizing myself coming home after it's all done and closing the door. Such an element of safety behind my door, I just hate that I put myself down when I can't bring myself to venture out..
I've created more of a monster by getting this new living room furniture- It's soooo comfy and welcoming- I could park myself in there and remain for days! :)
I had some reading to do for school this past week that really hit home- It was about how people cope with intense feelings- How some have the ability to remove themselves from situations that are too intense for them to handle and how others yet do things to "distract" (for lack of a better word) themselves. One topic covered was self-injury. I never thought myself to have this trait, but reading it really hit home. I've never "cut" per se, but there have been times, even in my very recent past, when I am extremely overwhelmed that I've "scratched" myself. By this I mean clenching my hands very tightly, or digging my nails deeply into the backs of my hands. The most recent episode was several weeks ago when b/f had a meltdown- I usually cope pretty well during these on the surface- I think it's my professional training that allows me to take charge and detach myself from it while it's actually happening- It's afterwards when I'm left alone to re-hash it all and think about why it frightens me so much that I just can't cope- I hate myself for allowing myself to be subjected to it, and loathe myself for not getting out of this relationship. He's trying with therapy and meds, and I feel deep down I should be supportive- Goddess knows he has seen me through some very tough times, and was the only one in my life at the time to tell me it was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok, that P was going to be ok, too. He always told me what a great Mom I am, and that he would always be here to help me.
So how can I not support him ?
I'm so very torn- his behavior has been better, but he has his moments- That I understand only too well- I just wish I could cope with all of this in a healthier way- I don't want to hurt myself physically or emotionally -I don't want to feel as though his anger is my fault- I have such a hard time dealing with other people's anger, when it's misdirected toward me or my sons.. The past few weeks, he's been hinting toward changing pdocs (M is his pdoc as well) . I suspect he wants to avoid the issues- I don't want to dictate to him what he should do- I do, however want to know that he IS addressing these things with whoever he goes to- I think he wants to start fresh so he can talk about what he chooses and avoid this altogether- A new doc wouldn't know these things unless he tells him- I hate that if he starts his bullshit back up, I'll have to make him leave- I do love him- but it's not just about him or me- I need to think of my sons, too. In so many ways he's a wonderful partner- I don't expect perfection- I just expect and demand effort- I feel as though he's losing his steam, doesn't want to put forth the effort-
I know as well as so many others how incidious mental illess is- I know so well the daily struggles, the sleepless nights, the anger, loneliness, fear, - How hard we have to push ourselves to just get ourselves out of bed, clean, go to a store, talk to people...I hate that keeping our relationship alive may not be enough for him to want to keep trying.. Today he asked me if I was "happy".. I only recall being happy 2 times in my life- The births of my sons... How could I answer that?? I didn't share that with him- I feel he resents them as it is. I simply said "I'm working on it"... and changed the subject....
I'm trying to make more of an effort in writing about my deeper feelings here- I'm very good- an expert, really, on skirting the issue of ME.
I'm looking at the tiny scars on my hands and thinking how very much we all deserve to be free.. The "tension" scars, as I call them are superficial... The deep ones I keep well hidden..I think it's time to expose them and face them... Wish me luck..

Love and Peace to you all,
Mad***

It's here!!

2006-02-21T21:59:00.000-08:00

Today "Rent" was released on DVD- my legs couldn't carry me fast enough to go and get my copy!! B/f and the boys are running for cover as they've been listening to the soundtrack as long as they've known me, although, my loyal younger son Patrick, watched it with me- I thought he was just being kind, knowing how excited I was in getting it, but he actually watched it a 2nd time !! I'm so glad at least one guy in my house appreciates theatre- The other 2 are hopeless Barbarians.. Nobody bleeds enough in this film to suit them , and there are no sports- What could possibly be entertaining about it? they ask :) I leave you with one of my favorite songs from the movie. Do see it if you have the chance :)

The Heart May Freeze Or It Can Burn
The Pain Will Ease If I Can Learn
There Is No Future There Is No Past
I Live This Moment As My Last

There's Only Us There's Only This
Forget Regret Or Life Is Yours To Miss
No Other Road No Other Way
No Day But Today

There's Only Yes
Only Tonight
We Must Let Go
To Know What's Right
No Other Course
No Other Way
No Day But Today

I Can't Control My Destiny I Trust My Soul
My Only Goal Is Just - To Be
There's Only Now
There's Only Here
Give In To Love
Or Live In Fear

No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today

Peace*,
Mad***

So here you have it!

2006-02-19T21:15:00.000-08:00

My take on the following :) Thank You Mister Gun! * kiss*

1. Three bloggers you would love to meet in person.
I would love to meet them all, just some in my living room, and others in a dark alley ;)

2. Three movies that are so bad they are good:
Well, my first choice is ANYthing Mel Brooks . You have to be a certain breed to appreciate as funny what doesn’t go right over your head. If you’ve never seen “High Anxiety”, you simply must! You’ll either agree with me that the man is a genius, or .. well.. you’ll agree with the majority that he’s not! J
Xanadu- How I fantasized about being in that movie! I even used the “Magic” song for my skating program!
Yentyl- Poor Babs, everyone thought her movie just sucked ass.. Except for me- the music was wonderful- Nothing like Belting out “Papa can you hear Me?” along with the soundtrack- Good times!
3. A celebrity that you believe is most likely gay but never "came out".
Tom Cruise, definitely. Granted he was married to the lovely Nicole, but experience has taught him to surround himself with naive little girls who aren't quite bright enough to question his utter indifference (except when he’s acting, of course..*Note to Tom* Come on out already! You’ll be soo glad you did!!!

4. Most public place you ever had sex and did anyone see you?
OMG Elevator Sex!!! For another blog

5. Longest you ever went without sleep and why?
About 6 days- A few friends and I went to LA- Thinking it would be way cool to “see the country” on the way out- we traveled by train- The catch was- every backyard is visible from train tracks- littered with old appliances, cars, and dead Christmas trees..And every train station in every major city is located in HELL of said city- I was Afraid to close my eyes! We safely disembarked in the legendary skid- row, greeted by urine – permiated drunks looking for dates - another blog as well

6. Your three most favorite blogs.
Dwelling in the Void (that boy ain’t right) It’s a Sunshine Day , Miscellaneous Mumblings- These all provide me with my daily fix of whatever it is I thrive on If you are on my link list, you are also one of my favs- And if You’re not and I know you, You are, too, I just haven’t added links in Forever! see previous blog about being a tard

7. Have you even been nude in public and did anyone see you?
Yes, it was on a private beach on Cape Cod- However, I failed to realize it was next to a very public clothing-optional beach-The first Ralph Cramden look alike that strut past me in all his glory quickly prompted me to get dressed and fast!! I don’t care what people say, either- Those folks are constantly inventorying one another’s packages - Eeeeeeeeek!!

8. Your funniest childhood memory?
When we planted a walkie talkie in a nun’s office and spoke to her in demon voices- She was evil- It was sweet revenge

9. Scariest (real or perceived) thing that ever happened to you?
When Sean was 3, we went to a Pet expo- I turned to get Patrick out of his stroller and when I turned back, Sean was gone!!..It took 5 minutes to find him.. the longest 5 minutes I’ve ever endured- I found him holding the hand of an older man- heading toward the exit!!! Police were called…A living nightmare .

10. Worst trouble you ever got in?
See # 8
I never really got into trouble- That, is, got caught-I was more afraid of my Mom finding out than anything- That kept me safe and alive longer than I would have left to my own devices

Thank You, Kevin- This was actually fun- My movie reviews pale compared to yours though- You should become a critic J
Hhmmm who to tag…. Ok, Apos and Lauren.. * mwaahahahahaaa!!

Cough, sputter, hack..

2006-02-19T20:53:00.000-08:00

Before I begin, Please join me in Wishing our Teressa well. She is hospitalized with pneumonia, but latest reports are she's doing better. I've gotten to know a bit more of Teressa since moving over here, and I have the utmost admiration for this wonderful lady. She has a heart of solid gold, and is often the voice of reason for me when we talk in the tower. Please get well soon, Teressa, I miss you :)
Next, Congratulations to Mister Gun, the winner of the coveted "Toodle"!! Many of us were there to see him accept this prestigious award, I myself shimmering in Gucci, while the other ladies were equally stunning in their Haute' Couture. Mister Gun looked positively edible! The evening was enchanting, to say the least, the only downside was when a Pirate showed up with a fake tan, grabbing goody bags looking much like a Russian peasant hoarding toilet paper..Sometimes even the most glorious events aren't without gnats..

The bigger stories out of the way, I am feeling much better after a week of bronchitis- Honestly, I don't ever remember being this sick! The boys were sick, and B got his a few days ago. He seems to have it even worse than we did, poor guy. He was so good taking care of us all week,cleaning, cooking, medicating and soothing us, now this is his reward. :( At least I'm feeling strong enough now to return the favor- I lost 10 pounds this week!! Not my ideal method of trimming up, and I'm sure now that my appettite has returned, so will my 10 pounds- whatever..
It's once again come to my attention I have been tagged by the latest troll survey. I did NOT groan! :) My response will come right after this post :) I hope you all are well, and doing what you do with your usual style and Grace- NASCAR lovers, I'll miss you- I feel like a NASCAR widow lol I've really tried to watch it, but I get confused.. and dizzy... and..I spot a piece of lint on the carpet and have to get up and vacuum it :) You'd HATE to have me around during NASCAR , enjoy it anyway!
I Love and Miss You all!
Peace**,
Mad

Sickety sick sick!!!

2006-02-15T20:36:00.000-08:00

That's me. Sean was kind enough to share his bronchitis with me (well, bronchitis -typical synptoms) Fever, cough, chills and my chest feels it will eviscerate when I cough..I cannot recall ever having been sick so often in 12 months time in my life! For a germophobe , that's something- See?? It's the SPORES!! People need to stay the fuck home and contain their Spores!
Thank You, Thank You, Mister Gun, for your kind words on your blog- Had me all misty-eyed :) I realise I've been tagged, so will work on that in my lucid moments :)

For now, I am retreating to my bed with gingerale and maybe Jay Leno or Letterman..decisions, decisions.... I rarely watch TV- but b/f has retreated to the sofa (to stay out of the line of fire from my SPORES!!!) So I'm having a me alone in a Biiig Bed party :) Don't get me wrong- another warm body is nice, but overrated :)
Will catch up soon!
Love to All :)
Mad**

Well Color Me Happy!

2006-02-11T19:07:00.000-08:00

I am back!!!!!!! NO internet in close to 2 weeks with the exception of a few stints where I was able to read an email or make a comment before getting booted in the ass- I think had I not had ANY connection at all, I could live with that- It's knowing that you MIGHT get through your email- or MIGHT get to read blogs that frustrated the hell outta me, and of course I would have to subject myself to the frustration of writing half a blog and getting ousted, or trying to send off an email, only to have it disintegrate before my eyes!! The good news is that with all the down time, I have my term papers completed (not due till March!!) So party on!!!
Things on the home front are stable *knock knock* at present- I saw M the other day and he wrote me an order for a full-spectrum light, which is supposed to alleviate depression of the seasonal variety. Let's hope :).. B/f and I went furniture shopping today- I have had the same living room for over 10 years!! I hesitated to buy new while the boys were younger, so have clung to this set and surprisingly, it's in pretty good condition. My nephew is moving off-campus in the spring, so he'll inherit that..OK, so that was exciting lol.
The new set is Sex-eeee!! Humongous over-stuffed sofa and a chaise , with a loveseat and gigantic ottoman :) Of course I snapped up a swatch of fabric and headed straight to Bombay for pillows :)
Last weekend was the memorial Mass for my Mom- nice evening, we all went out to dinner afterwards and it was actually really enjoyable- I just seated myself away from the fools :)
My niece, who is 17 gave me a birthday gift..all I can say is OMG.. J is an artist and talented beyond belief, not just cause she's my niece, because she truly IS . She has won awards for her work, and has been accepted at some very impressive schools- Her younger sister, M is talented as well :) What really impresses me about J is that she is so profoundly intelligent and the most humble person I know. She's what Mom would call an "old soul" wise waaay beyond her years :) Anyway, her gift to me was a painting :) Words cannot do it justice- but what struck me most was the emotion it provoked in me- Like she KNEW the affect it would have on me.. It's a beachscape, with incredible coloring in the sand and water..A wide hazy blue sky, and waaay up high, floating is a tiny red balloon...I know I never told her this, but there are so many ways this work just fits me- First, my absolute favorite movie as a child was one called "The Red Balloon". There is minimal dialogue in the movie, it takes place in Paris, in a part that sadly, no longer exists (it was filmed in 1959) And it shows a young boy who finds a red balloon tied to a lightpost- he climbs up and releases the balloon and it follows him all over Paris :) My description doesn't do it justice- it's a must-see , if you can find it :) Secondly, When I was a child I wrote an essay about "What I'd like to be if I could be anything" I wrote about being a balloon, and seeing the world from way up high, and being free, going wherever the wind would take me..blah blah..My essay won a contest ..spooky :)
When J was 3, my mom passed- It was really hard for her to understand that "Grammy Jeanne" was gone. One day, I went to visit with them and she asked me to please bring GJ back to her. The next time I went, I brought a balloon.. She and I went outside and set it free. me telling her that it was going up to GJ, and GJ would be very happy that we sent it to her :) Since that day, she has NEVER held on to a balloon! She'd send every one up! :)
I've been trying to write her a letter, letting her know how deeply touched I am by her gift, but so far, haven't found the words- I did, however, find a copy of The Red Balloon, which will accompany my letter.
So how are you all? I'll be jumping around a bit catching up on you, so bear with me if I've not yet written or commented- I promise, I will :) As much as I've missed my internet "fix" I've missed you all most of all. You are always in my thoughts- I couldn't stop wondering "How is Tiny with her kitten? What's K up to? Is Babs ok? Has Apos strangled anyone yet? Did Lisa get her iced coffee? Has Lauren managed to not poke her eye out with the mascara wand? Has Denise kicked ass and taken names ? Is JS trippin on ambien? *jumping out of the line of fire*
Is Teressa STILL listening to CCR??
These are the things I ponder when I'm away :) Makes ya wonder, eh?
So off I go to catch up- I love you all to pieces and have missed you!
Seeya soon!
Peace*,
Mad

Fact or Fiction?

2006-02-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

OK, so of my 2 truths and one lie, the winner is...... I am not, or have I ever been a member of MENSA. I don't even know if I'd qualify, but I despise elitist organizations- I'd much prefer to join GreenPeace or something equally benevolent :)
Now, on to the shocker- Yes, my Grandfather DID in fact murder my grandmother. I never knew either of them, she died about 10 years before I was born. This is only something I learned after my Mom passed, as I set out to do some geneological research. It was her deep, dark secret that she took with her to the grave. My brothers had no knowledge of it either. Evidently after this incredibly trauamtic event in her life, she cut off all contact with her extended family and never looked back. My guess it was just too painful for her to keep in touch- A constant reminder of this tragedy. My grandfather had been an abusive drunk- it lasted years before the one night he just went too far. News stories from back then tell how he carefully dressed her in her wedding gown and lay her in the bathtub before calling the police. He was tried and convicted, and served 10 WHOLE YEARS in jail. They ruled the death accidental- What's even more tragic is that this shit still goes on.. take a moment, if you please and remember Helen Nalley- The woman who didn't know she had choices, or if she did, was bound so much by terror, she couldn't get out..
On a lighter note, yes, a moderately famous actor/comedian (wildly famous of course in these parts, home town boy makes it big and all, lol) had a on again-off again relationship. It's quite true about many comedians having a really dark side, although, I must say, he treated me like a lady at all times and was charming and carzy as all get-up. He stars in a weekly serial/drama thing presently, and does wonderful charitable work. I've seen him once in the last 10 years- It was one of those amicable breakups where we could always think of one another, smile, and wish each other well.. :)
Sorry about the MENSA lie, but I AM wicked good at Jeopardy! :)
I hope you all are well . As always you are in my good thoughts :)
Peace*,
Mad

Tagged..

2006-02-02T10:12:00.000-08:00

...Naahh , not really, so I went and tagged myself. I totally understand you guys-I mean, who REALLY wants to hear all about a pre-menopausal woman wearing crappy perfume? I don't have a HUGE schlong to boast, or pet cockroaches, but I CAN tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue :) So there!

3 names you answer to:
Kelly
Kel
Mom
3 parts of your heritage:
75% Irish
25% german
And I have a great great Uncle who played the Cornet in John Philip Sousa's band

3 things that scare me:
Insects- My brothers once filled my bed with crickets- I am scarred for life!
My Sons being hurt or ill- I wake up nights and run to check them
Violence and shouting- the one thing that can cause me to completely withdraw into myself-it paralyses me...

.3 of your everyday essentials:
Coffee- GOOD coffee
Lip Gloss
My music- It's what wakes me up, and keeps my mood up-

!3 things you are wearing right now:
Jeans- belted with a green silk scarf
A black v-neck top with long bell sleeves
And my ridiculously comfortable RocketDog black ballet slippers

3 of your favorite songs:
Coming Out of the dark- Gloria Estefan back in my early days of recovery,I wore this one out!
Against the Wind- Bob Seger
The Long and Winding Road- The Beatles

3 things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
Affection- nothing says more than an unexpected hug or passionate kiss when least expected :)
Laughter,and sharing a similar sense of humor
Trust!

2 truths and 1 lie (in any order):
My Grandfather killed my Grandmother
I am a member of MENSA
I Dated a well-known Actor-Comedian

.3 things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
Above average intelligence- not in a brainiac sense- but someone who embraces learning new things
A guy who adores his mother-If you want to know how he'll treat you- pay attention to that!
impeccable grooming

3 of your favorite hobbies:
Drawing (I stick to pencil and charcoal but would love to explore COLOR)
Blogging
Winter sports -playing, as opposed to watching! :)

3 places you want to go:
Paris-
London( again)
A long road trip all over America- I'd love to see and get to know people from different regions

3 things you want to do before you die:
See my sons as adults
Wake up one day and know I've come to terms with my past
Live in NYC

.3 ways that you are stereotypically a male/female:
I am A HUGE fashion Ho!
I am stronger than most men :)
When the going gets tough- I turn to chocolate

I don't know 3 people who haven't taken this-
But if you haven't- Get goin'!!

For Lauren and Clance'

2006-01-29T18:55:00.000-08:00

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret liesI'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion sizeBut when I start to tell them They think I'm telling lies. I say It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips The stride of my steps The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
I walk into a room Just as cool as you please And to a man The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees Then they swarm around me A hive of honey bees. I say It's the fire in my eyes And the flash of my teeth The swing of my waist And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Men themselves have wondered What they see in me They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say It's in the arch of my back The sun of my smile The ride of my breasts The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say It's in the click of my heels The bend of my hair The palm of my hand The need for my care. 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me :)

Happy Birthday to 2 Amazing Ladies, for much more than just what's stated above :)
Peace**,
Mad

Double, Double, Toil and trouble..

2006-01-28T21:01:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've just returned from Salem, Mass. witch capitol of the world.. Well, ok, Witch capitol of the Northeast? What a great day! I visit there at least 3 times a year, the last time being after Thanksgiving, when I ordered myself a new cloak. It's been ready 3 weeks and I'm just getting there- Quite nice, I must say :) I did alot of window shopping and purchased some ingredients and other things that are harder to find around here- There are a million and one "New Age" kind of places here, but most carry cheap crap, like "teenage spell books, complete with a vial of dragon's blood to make the one you love , love you back..uuughh! Babs I found some candles!!! Just plain white glass, sans "Hey-suse" and company ! Yay me! lol

Anyway, school was better than I expected. I like the instructors and all, one guy is a dead -ringer for Michael J. Fox- I swear, he looks about 20! Wonder if he's into "Extra credit" projects? hmm.. lol
On the home front, b/f is back to normal for the moment- he apologised for being a twit, as did I. I even wore that Gawd-Awful perfume last night- what a sport-model I am, eh??
The boys are with Cybil this weekend- OMG what a relief- not for the boys being here, but Cybil has no reason to call here when they are there- He has a new computer- Now he really is an intelligent guy in many ways- computers , however are not his forte' - therefore, I've had the privelege of being called a minimum of 5 times a day with questions about this and that- I really try to be patient, as I remember how it was for me when I got my first computer- And of course we all know how HTML challenged I am, lol.. But really- 5 freakin' times a day? I do NOT like this man- I am civil, even nice to him because of the boys, but omg it's so hard not to tell him to just..just.... aaarrgghh!!
Next weekend we are having an anniversary Mass for my mom- it's been 14 years since she passed- Seems like yesterday..:( Funny my brothers always have a mass said for her on the anniversary in the Catholic church- She wasn't catholic, but they all are- My Dad was, and as he was still in the picture when they were born, he wanted them baptized, etc. ..They stayed with it..
Mom died on My Birthday 14 years ago- She was 62- reading Sooner's blog sure brought it all back- She had been to the doc earlier that day and was given a clean bill of health- she did have problems, but everything was stable- he actually said she was doing better than he's seen her in a very long time. I tried to call her late that afternoon, and got no answer. My brother , who lived close by, went over to check on her.. She was gone.. They tried CPR, got her going, and to the ER, but she failed again in the ambulance, and a final time in the ER..It was very strange- When I called my brother to go and check on her, I felt something- I KNEW she was gone.. long before I got the call, I knew..Sometimes, I miss her so much i feel my own heart will cease..It's just this gut-wrenching empty ache that I get when I remember how close we had become as i grew up- I'm so grateful for that- She truly was my best friend.
In other news, I had a nice call today- A friend of mine is a Vice squad cop- yesterday he got a letter from Patrick (my 12 year old) . He had sent it from school - Asking Mr. S if he would come to school and talk to his class about becoming a policeman and telling them how important it is to stay in school- Mr. S was floored! He was so touched that P did that- I was Sooo proud of P, too :) I had to laugh , though- It's not like he can share much about his job in vice with a group of 6th graders lolol "Today we busted up a crack house just south of where we are right now, and the bitch tried to stick me with a dirty needle, so we kicked her ass" lol He really wouldn't do that(beat up a crack ho, I mean) but my twisted sense of humor was fueled by the thought :)
ok, enough rambling- i do hope you are all well- And someone Pull-eeezze - hop over to "the tower" when you can- I am chat deprived..
Denise and Tiny- Just want you to know you're in my thoughts- And K- I'm lightin' one every night for ya :)
haha i just thought that last line sounded like Miss Jean from Romper Room- Anyone as old as I remember her and her magic mirror??
Lawd I need more caffiene!!! :)
Peace*,
Mad***

Screw Guilt Rant

2006-01-25T10:10:00.000-08:00

Hope you all are doing ok. Thanks for your messages and Birthday wishes- I can't explain it, but when someone drops a comment, it really does mean alot to me. I've once again run for cover from the world- The thought of going to classes tomorrow terrifies me- When I went last week to get books, I hated being there- All these masses of people everywhere, mostly young, smiling ,laughing men and women- I felt so insignificant, finding myself questioning WTF I'm doing there- Who wants a middle aged, mentally ill, self-conscious nothing like me there? Anyway.. Last weekend we celebrated my B'day going out to dinner, shopping, a movie, etc.. I guess I should be more appreciative- b/f came home on Sat. with a gift for me- 2 bottles of Tres' tacky perfume- seriously, NOTHING I would wear, WTF? I felt like an ass, thinking he tried- he really tried- and although I thanked him and acted like he was the 2nd coming, I thought- ok, he knows what I like- 10 years together usually sheds some light on that- I'm kinda picky when choosing gifts for others- I go out of my way to find something that the person will surely love- So I feel like a mega bitch because I'm not taking into account that it's the thought that counts, blah blah blah.. I've isolated myself all week- It's very hard for me to even write to friends and talk to people about what I'm going through, so bring on some more guilt for being such a crappy friend- Many of you, I know, live as I do- some days are just better than others, and some days I don't feel worth the powder to blow myself to Hell with.. It happens.. B/f and I had words this morning- I was a total bitch- Entirely MY fault this time- and he's more than pissed off- I called him, apologised, (I know I hurt his feelings) and his response was less than receptive. It's left me feeling even worse- the hurt , however is evolving into anger at this point- Fuck him! I apologised- What else can I do? I don't expect everyone to be totally understanding of my moods and my depression- But I've come to the conclusion- I can't be what people want me to be every day- I can't be the same person on Wednesday, that they spoke to and laughed with on Monday- There are days when I know It's in everyone's best interest for me to simply lay low-the past few days have been just that-The kids are cool- they know when I'm in this funk and go about business as usual and try even to cheer me up- B/f is getting all defensive, saying "And you talk about MY issues?". Well, I don't terrorize people when I'm like this- I just avoid them..So if we're going to pick one another apart, bring it on, asshole! I'm so sick of not being well- I'm so sick of explaining myself to people- I'm sick of trying to pretend- I'm scared- school is terrifying me- the fact that I may never lead a productive life is terrifying- When I get scared , I retreat- from everything- And here I am- Add guilt to that equation and it beyond sucks- But it's out of my control at this time in my life- I go through the motions of everyday things- but feel nothing- Nothing good, anyway. So why spread the fucking sunshine? I stay in my self-imposed exhile until things get better. It's how I cope(or not). B/f was just on the phone- another fucking gem- he has a friend who recently bought a home- he has done ALL of their work, being there every day for 2 weeks- FREE of charge. I am the first person in ,line when it comes to helping someone, but I caught him lying about it- He told me when they got paid- they were going to pay him for his work. I stay out of that, but when I see him juggling numbers, I had to wonder, so I asked and that's what he told me. Last night the wife of his friend called me to ask me what they could buy him (wanted to buy him "a few DVD's) because he wouldn't accept any money from them..I NEVER nag him about money- I have mine- he has his- and we share expenses.. So now he calls to ask me to pay his insurance premium (Until B" pays him).. An outright fucking lie.. I'm in no frame of mind to fight with him or confront this.. I told him I'd see him when he gets home...And here I was feeling guiilty about treating him badly this morning- Fuck him, fuck everyone..I'm thinking isolation is looking healthier by the minute-
I know this is all over the fucking place- forgive me- rational thoughts are elusive today...
Mad*

Sooner

2006-01-20T05:07:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Please stop by Sooner's today and wish him a Happy Birthday- Even at his age "That boy still ain't right"- But how can you not just love him??

Vogue

2006-01-19T15:54:00.000-08:00

My January issue came today. Yes, I am a fashion ho! The Spring looks are coming in- Lawd! Nothing I can surely wear! Well, maybe the orange peel the girl has wrapped around her in the Cointreau Ad...Or the new Ck fragrance, Euphoria...The rest, I'm afraid is out of my league. These girls look about 15! I can just see the horror on my son's faces when I arrive at their hockey games draped in Chanel or Hermes'..Sigh.. those days are long past, or should I say, my time is past- I never did get to wear an original, save a few handbags and some shoes..Ok, ALOT of handbags and more shoes than I needed. Sienna is on the cover, absolutely gorgeous! Thinking I'll clear out my closets- lol The last time I did that I had things from 1980's in there OMG a black form-fitting bodice with this ridiculous waay poufed out mini- skirt that was white with black polka dots! or how about a lovely maxi-dress from 1973? Remember the peasant look with the calico prints? My style today is a little bohemian, I use lots of scarves and dangly jewelry. Every day is usually jeans and a danskin - I've grown to appreciate comfort in my old age :) I love seeing people's different styles- The only thing I find really tacky are A) very young girls dressed waaay too old B) very old women dressed waaay too young- like wearing hip-huggers with 4 inch love handles hanging out (I'm not knocking love handles-I have a bit of a roll there of late ) .
I like to see women dress to complement their assets- I once worked part- time in a women's shop and the majority of our customers were plus sized women. I loved helping them choose clothes! I think all women are amazing, beautiful creatures- Some women would come in and it was so satisfying to see them really get excited about the way they looked in different styles- you could see the confidence rise in them- I don't dress to kill the way I once did, but always make a point to do something that makes me feel pretty, whether it's waxing brows, a manicure, or just a nice hot bubble bath with lots of scented minerals or oils :) Lavender is very soothing when I'm feeling bad, my son even asks me for some when he feels down- works like a charm :)
I'm off to do just that- A hot bath with lotsa suds! Where are you all? Hope everyone is getting by- you're all in my thoughts :)
Later!
Peace*,
Mad

Tales from the dark Side....

2006-01-18T17:59:00.000-08:00

*** Some parts of this blog may not be for sensitive souls**

Mizz Babs inspired me :) She asked me how I could refer to my "tagged" post as boring when the First line read "Laboratory Assistant- City Morgue ..
Up to now that experience had settled way back in the cobwebs of my mind (either that or I had successfully managed to block it out) and there it stayed . I was a fresh-faced Nursing student at the tender age of 23- Up to that time I had been working part-time waitressing but I found school was way too demanding and I needed more time to study.
A friend worked at City hospital and had heard about a night shift position- It was a small hospital and although very busy, night shift in the Morgue was a dream position, as they didn't do autopsies at night, so really all you had to do was check people in and out and release them to funeral homes- there was lots of time to study, and the place was definitely quiet :).
I applied for the job, was interviewed by the chief pathologist (we'll call him "eye-gore") and got the job! Mom was horrified, brother's had wagers as to how long I'd last, life was good .
I didn't need much training, basically they taught me how to extract specimens, how to set up for autopsies, and of course, all the paper work involved . Being a City Morgue, any legal cases landed here- homicides, unexplained deaths, suicides, etc.THAT was wild- I won't forget the first time someone I knew came through- horrifying!
Besides eye-gore, ther were 2 other Doctors working there- Quincy (not his real name) who was sooo full of himself, (he actually had a vanity license plate that read "Quincy"!! ) but basically a nice guy, And "Les" who I didn't get to spend much time with, but of the three, he taught me more than any of them- I credit my success in nursing to this man- He taught me to treat all patients with dignity and respect. He was always gentle and talked softly , sometimes even to the patient- he was always kind and gentle when talking with family members.. It left a lasting impression . I have seen some brutal deaths-After awhile, they weren't really disturbing- you just accepted that shit happens. Some were painful, like the child whose drug-dealer father held her up as a shield during a battle with another druggie. She was 9 months old.....her father went to jail , where he was murdered within 6 months- they never found out his killer- shame...
Quincy was cool- He'd call me and usually in the same breath he'd tell me a case was on it's way and what he wanted me to do and what kind of pizza would I like?- That's how it was- Our lives still went on.. He would always ask me if I was ok during procedures, telling me we could stop if it was freakling me out. Always polite and courteous- asked me out once (he was nearing 60 years old!) and was a perfect gentleman when I politely declined.
Now eye-gore..What a dickhead- He was the one who would call me at home on days off to assist- there WAS a lab asst. on duty,it didn't matter he wanted ME there. He was rough and insensitive, would say things to families like "Surely this doesn't come as a shock to you, so-and-so was involved in some pretty risky stuff".. He handled the patients like they were sacks of shit- made crude comments, and never ever ever showed any respect for anyone, living or dead.
When he saw me handling a patient gently, he grew impatient and would bark out orders and tell me to hurry up.Fortunately there are more rigid rules now than there were back then- You can actually be cited for patient abuse for handling a patient carelessly now - I wonder how many times he's been called on it?
The worst experience I had was with eye-gore.. We were in posession of a human head. Someone in one of the rural towns called when their dog brought it home..the area was searched miles around and no body was found- The head remained in the morgue with a possible ID, but no way to confirm. There were no dental records for the person they suspected it was. We called him George.. George sat in a bottle of formaldehyde for 3 months. Every night I worked , there he was. It was beyond weird- He had this horrible expression on his face- all contorted - I don't know if this was his face in life- it was just bizarre. After 3 months, a body was found several towns away, in the opposite direction of where george's head was found, it was brought in and it was, in fact, determined to be the body of George. The body had come early in the day, so was in the refrigerator when I came on duty- an uneventful night until around 4a.m. when eye-gore calls- "I want you to set up for the post on G-" ok, I say//"And, I want you to get the head- it's in the jar- put it on the table with the body"..Ohhhh nooo..."uuhhmm, Doctor?" You want the JAR on the table, right" "NO, NOT right=- I want YOu to take it out".."Uuuhmm.I really don't think I can" "K, I REALLY think you WILL if you want your job" "CLICK"...
Fucker! That was not my job! when a body that is what we call a Medical/Legal comes in- NO body touches it without assisting the examiner-in other words- it doesn't get touched before them. Ever. Well, as a starving student, the last thing I could afford was to lose my job- I was beside myself- forget the ethical questions- this was just TOO fucking gross!!!! I could not do it. I call up to 2 of my friends who were residents, begging them to come and help me- the clock is ticking away and at any moment eye-gore is going to darken this doorway.SHIT. They came down, my heroes and stand there!! One looks like he going to be the next one to sport a toe-tag, the other looks almost as bad- "We're right here, Kel" "It's ok, we're right here".. Well thanks a fucking lot! By this time I am near hysteria- I close my eyes and look up- "Les" has just walked in. I tell him my dilemma and he reassures me.. Tells me to get George- .. I bring George over to the table where his body lay, but there's a problem.. the head has..uhhmm increased slightly in size since it was placed- It'll come out, but it's gonna be tight- Les looks at me and says "Sometimes, Kelly Ann, circumstances don't allow for us to be gentle" as he inverts the jar and forcefully thrusts it forward a few times, till I hear a resounding "POP" kinda like the commercial where they're putting tomatoes into the Heinz Ketchup bottle.. He's all there, together again at last, George and his body.. I hugged Les to death that night, and he smiled and told me to knock off early (before eye-gore got there).. I'll never forget him :)
There were actually some funny times there- and yeah, bodies make all sorts of involuntary movements and sounds- pretty freaky at first, but kinda funny- We might be playing cards and hear a whooosh! from the other room. Nobody would bat an eye. When I left there after graduated, they all took me out to dinner at a very elegant restaurant, gifted me with every instrument I could need, and a beatiful gold watch. Eye-gore and Quincy gave me glowing references - It was all good. On graduation day, which was held in the hospital's ampitheater, We took our oaths- as I spoke mine, I looked up, and standing way in the back was Les.. He came up and congratulated me and told me.. "I promise, when I see one of yours come through, I'll care for them the way I know you did.. :)

Peace*
Mad

I'm Over It...

2006-01-15T19:12:00.000-08:00

For now, anyway. B/f was quite contrite today, breakfast in bed, HE went and got the groceries before I was even up,! We went out to lunch, out to supper, and even watched Dolores Claiborn with me..HAHAH I had to laugh at that, little did he know how close I was to BEING Dolores yesterday. We talked, he appeared to be listening, now if he can apply what we're learning, he'll be spared :) Please don't think I am at all trying to "change" him- I've been with him 10 years- I more need to change myself, or maybe I have and am changing and just need to find some neutral ground here. Most of his issues are with the kids- they are teenagers now (well, P is 12), and he's 60+ years old! ( Yeah , Yeah, I know.. but Anna nicole got the rich one before he knew ABOUT ME ;) ) I think he just doesn't have as big a tolerance level as he once did. And teenagers tend to speak up more- HIS generation wouldn't DREAM of thinking for themselves, lol- Anyway, Thank you all for the support and please stand by- I saved the grocery list in case it gets ugly again :) *Big squooshy hugs back to you's :)
Peace*,
Mad

Crash..

2006-01-14T16:09:00.000-08:00

So, I've hit a rough spot...Today, I find myself highly emotional and really down. I have frogged around a bit and commented here and there, but I've sat here most of the day with fists clenched, wanting just to curl up and disappear. B/f was on a tear today, which only served to make matters worse. WTF is it with this guy? One minute we're in the throes of a nasty battle, then he hands me a piece of paper to write out a fucking grocery list! His indifference sometimes makes me want to shove that grocery list clean up his ass!!!I'm here!! I'm Kelly!! I need attention!! I need understanding!! I do NOT need fucking groceries!!! I am so unhappy today.. Forgive me for ranting. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person on the planet - and times like today I wish it were so. I have red welts on my hands where my nails dug in from clenching them so tightly. I wanted to get out today and just couldn't get it together. I worry about school- I can't BE this way- I somehow have to pull it together and keep it together.. How can it be that there's someone in the same room with you, and yet you've never been so alone? I want to talk, I dno't wnto talk. I want to go out- I don't- WTF? I do realize 'm having a bad day emotionally, but seems like b/f just goes about his business sometimes like I'm not even here. Or he's irritable at home, then his phone rings and he's laughing it up with his buddies.
I suck. Later.

Check it out!!!!

2006-01-12T11:33:00.000-08:00

This is the new Mad!!!!
As you all know, I am seriously challenged when it comes to navigating Blogspot- Even with the frustration of just not being in the loop of things, I chose to join you all, my friends , HERE. I so missed your posts and sharing with you moments in the life of...me.. I'd lost that sense of belonging at the other place, and considered giving up blogging altogether, until I gave it some thought as to what changed? It didn't take me long to realize that the biggest change was that the people I most enjoyed corresponding with, the ones who were the most supportive, with lots of humor thrown in, the ones who kept me coming back, were all right here! Almost immediately after my first post, I was welcomed back by so many of you, and made to feel right at home. You have no idea how wonderful that feels :), or maybe you do, because everyone here has that gift of reaching out and making people feel special :)
Enter Denise- Yes, folks, SHE is responsible for my new look :) I didn't even have to ask- She stepped up and offered to help- just like that-That's a true, real person- Someone who looks at the big picture (my lame former page) and steps up to bat :) Her link is down below- check it out! and keep checking back, as I hear she has some big plans :) Thank you, Denise- I LOVE the page, but even more I love that you were so thoughtful to help me :)

I also wanted to ask those of you who still have access to "over there" If you could stop by Nittinneedles' blog- Her dad passed away unexpectedly and know she'd appreciate our support-
Off to get the kiddies, and b/f and I have M this afternoon- Take care, and thank you all of you, just for being. I promise not to let my pimped blog go to my head :)
Peace*,
Mad
p.s. Denise's link is at the bottom under Credits :) Moodswing productions

The Turbulent 70's

2006-01-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

I write alot about my life, past and present, my relationships, my family and how it all brought me to the present. There is so much in between I've left out, not my intention to omit, but I just never seem to have the energy to write so much. I've written in the past where I came from, and the things I was exposed to, and how fortunate I often feel to have survived it. The 70's were my most exciting, dangerous, stormy years- Being a teenager then was fun, but dangerous, too. My mother was overworked and I had alot of time on my hands to explore the world on my own- It's not like it is today- parents somehow felt their kids were safer- didn't feel the need to know every minute of every day where their kids were and what they were doing. I often tell my sons " There's not a trick you can pull that I probably haven't tried myself, so save yourself alot of grief and think twice" lol.
Unfortunately, this is truer than I hope they'll ever know. I began my rebellious years long before my time- At 10 years old, I was hanging out in the neighborhood with the older kids, smoking and scoring an occasional GIQ or pint of Tango, when we could get someone to buy for us. 7th and 8th grade I spent many a day playing hookey at a friend's with about a dozen other kids, doing much of the same- I was on top of the world, it seemed, and able for the time being to keep up the "goody two-shoes" facade that I had going on at home and school. I was the Master of deceit- Teachers and principals would question my absences and I always had a way out- they loved me- maybe it was the way I looked, a slip of a girl with huge blue eyes and a sweet smile- I was always polite and respectful to them, too, knowing that it would be in my best interest, and I was right. When I was 14, I went to an Aerosmith concert near my home, telling mom I was spending the weekend at a fictitious friend's house ( Like I said, parents back then had NO clue what we were up to, and believed most anything) and 2 of my friends and I went to the concert- We hooked up with some guys who went to MIT who in turn hooked us up with all the pot we could smoke and some funny looking little blue pills-That was friday night- by Sunday afternoon I was walking in a daze through Boston's combat zone where I was able to panhandle enough cash to get a bus home. At the bus terminal I managed to clean up enough to look like suzy sunshine returning from a weekend at Miss Manner's.. I was deceptive, manipulative, and most always got my way. on the rare occasion mom questioned me, I put on my pouty , innocent face and gave her the "you don't trust me" song. She bought it every time. I could see where my life was headed, but not clearly because I was becoming more and more skilled at deceit. My teachers would excuse my absenses as long as I passed in assignments and showed up for tests. easy enough for me, it was worth having the freedom to do as I pleased to show up, and I'd get the assignments from someone else and spit them out like a machine. Uppers allow you the ability to do that. I could function on 2 hours sleep a night, and sometimes less, not always with drugs- this was my indroduction to the manic phases of my mental illness that I fell head over heels in love with.
Much is written about Bipolar and the depressive side of it. It's a horrible prison to be trapped in, and saps so much of our desire and hope from us. Mania for me, was far more insidious, because it seemed "fun" most of the time, all the while I was tearing my life apart, bit-by-bit and having a Hell of a time doing it. Throughout my high School years and beyond, I would experience manic episides lasting months at a time- People loved them- I was outgoing, and always up to do even the most outrageous things- like stealing the lights off of a dozen or so police cars in the police station parking lot- hot-wiring my boyfriends car and driving it across town- because he chose to hang out with the guys instead of me :)- Grateful Dead concerts- or any concert for that matter, I could and did, numerous times get backstage and partied my little heart out. Road trips to nowhere, once stopping in Montreal and turning around and heading home- just because I could. New York City- crashing parties everywhere- no matter I wasn't on "the list" I talked my way in. L.A.- buying a dress on Rodeo Drive, hangin' at Spago and returning the dress the next day (It's really quite easy to "tuck" labels out of sight :) ) In all this time and through all these things, never once did I feel "good" about myself- it's hard to explain but it was like there was this very empty, very painful place inside me, and if I stopped- even for a second, it would consume me.
Then I had my first "crash". I was alone late one night and felt this overwhelming sadness- I never could cry, with the exception of the times my boyfriend, David held on to me and begged me not to leave him (as in leave this world). I felt as though I wanted to sleep the world away, forget about everything and just curl up and nestle myself into my blankets and close my eyes. Problem was, sleep didn't come either- just sadness, intense, lonely sadness. It enveloped me. I stayed in bed for nearly a week, seeing no one, feigning the flu to everyone, pacing the floor and hiding under my covers when anyone came in. I couldn't read, watch TV, sleep, nothing..My boyfriend knew, without my telling him what was wrong- He begged me to see a doctor- I would not/ could not- My family always thought you just had to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get back into things. I felt no differently after 2 weeks, and here began my journey in healing. I rifled through a phone book, found a name, called the number and an older man answered. He was a psychiatrist. I explained to him that I was a student and had no money- that my family felt I didn't need psychiatric help, that I was afraid and didn't want to end up in a hospital. he listened and agreed to see me- We could work out the rest when I saw him. The next day, I found myself in the office greeted by an older man, very psychiatric looking lol, bearded and all- With the most remarkable, soulful, understanding and compassionate eyes I'd ever seen. He had a soft voice- you really had to pay attention to hear him- and his first words to me were "you've been down a tough road, haven't you?".. I melted. All the feelings of sadness, all the years of being lost, all the feelings of hopelessness, weren't my fault. He told me I was going to get better. He helped me, he worked things out with my Mother, he helped her learn about me and taught her how to be supportive without allowing me to manipulate her. I started on antidepressants- the mood stabilizers came years later, but I no longer wanted to escape from the world, I wanted -and many times I failed- to face my demons, to face my life on whatever terms I was dealt it, and to be a person who could walk with her head held high. This illness is so often all-consuming- Meds are a crap shoot- they work, they don't work, they work for awhile then don't- it truly sucks- I find as I've gotten older I see mostly the depressed side of this illness- I've developed agoraphobia, I hate to socialize, I'm very guarded with relationships-it takes me a long while to warm up to people-My years of treatment haven't been easy- I had my moments- wth drugs, pregnancy, suicidal tendencies, abusive relationships, and so much more- But I'm here- and glad you are, too :)
Peace*,
Mad

I have become...

2006-01-05T21:20:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I've written about me. The reposts are here and I'm sure I'll find a few more that I'll want to share, but I've been avoiding the real issues at hand. What's going on with me? It's hard to even write some of it- I'm scared if I write it here it somehow makes it more real. I've been really looking closely at myself and M (the shrink) and I have been talking alot. there are some big changes ahead for me, as soon as I get my ass in gear and take action. I will be going back to school this month, which although I'm looking forward to it, scares the hell outta me.. I never planned to go back to school- I have 2 degrees and do consulting work on the side to keep mself and family comfortable- This has provided me with the flexibility I've needed to deal with my personal and family issues- I feel very fortunate I am able to do this. Before my hiatus I was in a nursing postion full time, usually working up to 60 hours a week. My experience ranges from several years in the ER to Supervisory positions, to Pediatric home care case management, with a few long term care stints added in. I loved my career- it seemed to fit just right for me. I loved my patients, their families (even the difficult ones), I prided myself on my ability to comfort and develop a rapport with even the toughest of them .. For years I juggled huge caseloads while my colleagues marvelled at my ability to multi-task and still provide the best care. The day came when I had to make the decision to give it up- I could see myself becoming easily distracted, my memory was impaired, and I was always exhausted, taking more days off than I ever did. I had been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder years before, and opted to go as long as I could without medication. It seemed having children had grounded me a bit, so foolishly thought it had gone dormant or some dumb ass rationalization gave myself at that time. First, I cut down the amount of hours, in hopes that would improve my situation. Wrong again. I was fine all week, but soon as I arrived at work, nothing had improved. I began to get nervous- what if I made a mistake? gave a wrong med? forgot to document something critical? no argument there- it was time to go. I was so proud of my work and my high standards, it would have destroyed me to lose a job as a result of my negligence, not to mention how devastating it would be to have cost someone their life as a result of some oversight on my part. I left without much fanfare, just saying I needed to take care of personal matters, and that was that. I gave up a career that I loved- a position, that for many years, defined me. I am Kelly- I am a Nurse. What am I going back to school for? Well, 4 semesters will get me a degree in Psych- will this be a career for me? Beats me. At this point I'm painfully shy, not too sure of myself, and my relationship is falling apart. My purpose right now is to achieve something, anything that will help me build my self-esteem back up, and reading and learning anything on this subject fascinates me and holds my interest. My first class will be on January 22nd- my 46th Birthday- Maybe that means something- In the time leading up to the start of school, I'll have decided on what i want to do with this relationship. It's not looking good for us. I hate the control it has over me. I hate that I tense up when he enters the room. I hate that my love for him isn't enough, but more than anything, I hate that I've given up...That seems to be my signature on all past relationships.. When the going gets tough, get the fuck outta Dodge..In my previous post I mentioned D, who gave me his number and all after so many years apart- He sent me a beautiful poinsettia at Christmas- I haven't called him, just a very polite Thank-You note- I need to close one door long before I consider opening this one..He understands- will he be there when all is said and done, who knows... I need to make my life comfortable for me- a relationship may enhance it at some point, but for now, I am making this all about ME..
Peace*,
Mad

2006-01-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

Ok Ok, Another re-post and my next entry will be an original :) I'm just trying to pick the ones from YKW that I'd like to share here :) K got me thinking with his question about love so here you have it.. Peace*, K

Always On My Mind...
Is there a person in your life that made a difference, aside from the usual teachers, family, etc.?Yesterday, I ventured out to get some books for the boys and do some shopping.
Monday isn't so bad for me to face the shops, as most people are working, and/or are all shopped out from the weekend, so I don't have to deal with crowds. It took me a while to get ready to go, dressing, makeup and the like, but finally I'm off.
Barnes and Noble was my first stop and it was deserted! So I get the books and go for a coffee ( I don't care what you all think, Starbucks is a steamy orgasm in a cup! )Sitting there, more relaxed than I've been in a long time,a gentle hand touches my shoulder. There standing over me is David,my very first serious boyfiend!
Now we're going back 30 years here, and there's not a week or less that passes that I haven't thought about him and what a fine person he is. We met through mutual friends- I was playing Tennis for my school, and he was there to see his sister, my opponent that day. I remember him applauding her when she made points, but kinda grinning my way when I did.. We were introduced after the game (I lost!) and went on our ways. A few weeks later, I saw him at a game again, but his sister wasn't playing that day. He was there to see me! We made plans to get together, and the rest is history.
We dated for 5 years. During that time,he was patient and kind and respectful to me at all times. I had my demons, and was scared to death that I would lose him. After many of the abuses I was subjected to, I found that when something good happened, it just didn't last, or I felt unworthy and would sabotage it,as was the case with David. but he didn't give up. Ever. He knew my demons and was always there to tell me that we could win.
He made me want to choose life. He told me every day that I was smart and beautiful, and even when I didn't believe him, he told me it was ok, cause anyone who knew me knows the truth.There were days when I couldn't stop crying,and wishing I were dead.. He held me close without words, until it passed. So, there he was, standing here, and asking to sit with me. He joined me and we talked the usual, catch up chat, his family, mine, blah blah blah.. All this time I'm thinking, he's the one.. Not just "THE one, as in the love of my life... It actually goes deeper than that..He's the one who helped me to see what I was capable of, the one who made a difference in my sinking or swimming....
The one person, I could always think of and smile, the one I could always wish well, with no reservations. The one who I was afraid to disappoint whenever I contemplated leaving this world. We broke up as I was leaving for the Big city to attend college- He was 5 years older than I, and already had the job of his dreams, being a firefighter. My mom strongly objected to our relationship, I think cause she could see had we reamined together, I would have settled down before having finished school.
She made me break off the relationship. It took me years to forgive her. You, see. even at 20 years old, I still didn't realise I had choices. When you are abused as a child, your backbone turns to jelly.. I could no more stand up to her at 20, than if I was 3 years old. So we parted. It was painful, but I always knew I had a friend forever.Over the years, we often bumped into one another (usually in the ER after a fire) and my heart would just swell in knowing that I had the privelege of being a friend to this man.
I decided right then to tell him exactly how I felt, and let him know that he is one of the "voices" in my head that kept me going through my life. Before I could utter a word, he speaks.. "Kel, I want you to know this- You are the one person in my life, even after all these years, who I think about when I think about the best moments in life. You're the one who made a difference in mine"... Well, hell, he stole my thunder!
I told him this and we laughed.. Here's the clincher/ He's been divorced for 5 years.. I told him all about(well not ALL) b/f.. We talked some more, and he gave me his address and number.. Call anytime, or don't, but DO know I'm always here...We parted with a warm hug,and his last words were "I hope you get everything you want for yourself, K, you deserve it.."

I'm just not sure what that is anymore...
Peace*,
Mad

What makes us strong?

2006-01-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

I've been reading some old posts. Something that has reached out and grabbed me in some comments people left are the words "strength" and "courage"... I've never considered myself to have much of either one..But let's consider...
Last night I had a wonderful chat with two bloggers here. It was really nice to get to know them a little and find that we share alot of the same views, and are battling depression on a daily basis.
I've known for a long time that I'm not alone, and it comforts me to know there are people out there who understand.
Thank Goodness for them! Not to say misery loves company- that's not it AT ALL.. But, say for instance, you are lacking in some areas- your house isn't as organized as you'd like it, you can't prepare meals regularly and rely upon other means, you don't pay as much attention to yourself as you probably should. You have a family- you love them. you teach your children what's right, and when they are sick, or have problems, you deal with them , get them help, as adults take them in when they need shelter, and show them in every deed how much they are loved. I remember back when my illness was getting out of control and I had just begun treatment- It's been years of trial and error with various medications, therapy and self teaching, learning as much about this disorder as I could. I remember telling my oldest son, that there are some things I just didn't do well, but if there was something he needed and I couldn't do it, I'd find someone who could- He would never have to feel that my limitations were limiting him.
7 years later, and I have 2 sons who are damn near perfect *insert MOM smiley here* , well, ok. they are typical teenagers. The oldest one is an extraordinary student, the younger excels in sports and has his own challenges with BiPolar Disorder, but the difference between them and me is, when I was their age there was nothing for me. No-one to talk to, and the few brave attempts I made at asking for help were met with "Don't be ridiculous, you're fine!" Fine, indeed...
Which brings me to this- I was reading earlier, and found a post that just struck me on how ignorant others can be.. The gist of it was the writer suggesting that people who are depressed simply try not to focus so much on the negative.. Well, no shit!! Why didn't Freud think of that? Can we say Chemical imbalance? It's ignorant thinking such as this which kept me ill for way longer than I would have chosen. I did not CHOOSE mental illness. I see people like myself and the women I spoke to last night struggling every day-And you know what? To accomplish things that many people take for granted, takes huge effort on our part. Want to talk about strength? Balls? Moxie? Let's talk about people who care about others and show in in their actions and words- not passing judgement and making asswipe statements about things they have no knowledge of... I did not comment on this writer's statement, mainly because I don't think they're ever gonna get it. So, this turned into a bit of a rant, and that's "fine" lol.. But for those people who still think in the dark ages- Do a little research, then try to form an intelligent opinion, just make sure it's your own .. *wink*
Thanks again Ladies (you know who you are) for keeping me company last night- It's an honor to know you both :)
Peace*,
Mad

My Mom

2006-01-02T19:27:00.000-08:00

(Another re-post)

I've been thinking about her alot lately- k wrote recently about his Mom and Schree about her Dad and got me thinking how much I miss her. I lost my Mom suddenly almost 14 years ago, Sean was just 6 weeks old. Of course I went through the usual grieving, angry, the "why me? why now" and all. It was a emotional time for me,being a new mom, married less than a year, and realizing even that early on that the marriage was a disaster- She was always there and never was one to say "I told you so" . When I would go to her with my doubts and fears, she many times would tell me "Kelly, you are a survivor, you can handle anything". Dad was never in the picture- ran off with a secretary and never looked back. Sure, she was bitter, but went on- with 4 children & Me due any day moved to a new city & state and had virtually no one to support her- I was born shortly after she and my brother's moved here. I was the only girl, and shared a very special relationship with Mom. I could tell her anything, and as I got older we were best friends (after alot of years of nearly driving one another mad). When it came time for college, there was no money- when each of us would reach High School, she told us, If we wanted college, we would have to work harder and do better than anyone because scholarships were the only way, and it was far more competitive in the real world. Well every one of us earned full acedemic scholarships and all of us graduated. I hold a degree in education and when I found it wasn't for me, went on to get a Nursing degree, also fully paid for. Mom was tough- smart ,proud, strong. We were on welfare when I was small- until I started school, then she herself went back to school, and became a social worker, working in our neighborhood social service office. We lived in a pretty tough place- I remember walking home from school, and into our apartment building seeing the older kids shooting up. There were drugs, they are from years of drug abuse.Teen preganancy was rampant- When I was 13, Mom was desperate- I couldn't see why she didn't like my friends, or that I couldn't hang out with the gang- She got us out of there and rented a house in a much more "desirable" area. I never knew until years later, that she managed the high rent by working her normal day job, and staying late to clean offices in her building. I hated her for taking me away from the only place I'd known, and thought her a hypocrit for helping the same people in her work, and then telling me I was better than that. Having my own sons now, and also little support from their dad, I can truly understand her thinking, although her choice of words could have been better. I don't think I'm "better" than anyone- I think we all have tools to succeed, some of us just aren't able utilize them, for various reasons. When I was 20 I was engaged, and 2 months before the Wedding got cold feet. Mom had spared no expense having saved for this for years, and it was to be the wedding of the century.I took what savings I had, and bolted. To Ireland. For 6 weeks. I told mom the day I was leaving. Expecting her to completely wig out, I was more than shocked when she said "Good, keep in touch and call if you need money". She was left to undo the mess I got myself into. She was always trying to fix me up with young men she knew, which drove me crazy... "Mom I HAVE a boyfriend" "Yes, Kelly, but you should always have a plan B"..There was even a guy in her building, and we forgot his name so he was just called plan B..She loved Sinatra,incense,Autumn and Christmas..We travelled together, she was always there when my relationships fell apart, or I was sick. She was there when, in my early 20's when I did a short stint in rehab for cocaine addiction (I figured it was ok because it wasn't the "junkies" I was partying with, it was Dr's and Lawyers..) uh-huh...She saw me through my first major depression, and didn't blink an eye when I dated men twice my age.All she wanted, all she lived for, was for me to be happy and healthy. The day Sean was born, she was there, in the delivery room. She never drove, and every day, for a week, took a bus to the hospital to spend the whole day with me.I treasure those memories.. I never got to say goodbye to her, and I never will.. She left me on my Birthday, and before I even got the news, I knew she was gone...Today I will be going to the cemetary- it's a beautiful Autumn day, her favorite time of year. I'll bring the CD player and play some Sinatra tunes there, burn some incense, and talk to her..For so many years,I thought she was gone...When I feel the cool Fall air.. burn incense, talk to my sons in HER voice, I find comfort in knowing .. She never really died..Have a beautiful Saturday..Peace*,Mad

Just some things about me..

2006-01-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have read these- I've decided to post some of my blogs from youknowwhere over here- Just to allow some of you to know me a bit.. :)

Gratitude..
I've been frogging alot and not writing much- I get that way sometimes.... It amazes me how many people are blogging who share so many of my feelings , hopes, joys, and sufferings, In a world I've so often felt very much alone. From the people still out there dating, to those who lead full lives, to those who, as I often do, feel depressed many days, the ones who face cruelty and ignorance from people who don't take the time to get to know them.. I get something from everything I read here, sometimes a smile, sometimes an ache in my heart, but always an understanding, whether I agree with them or not..There's a young person I read who feels they have nothing to live for.. I remember that- I remember praying to whoever had that power to take me away, feeling that there was nothing here for me, for I was a failure, and had never felt love, either coming to me or giving away..My world as a child allowed for little of that. Sure my Mom loved me, but she was stressed- working 2, 3 jobs, there wasn't alot of time for us, but the time there was, she made the most of. I was abused by others, my male role models were abusive drunks, and the best way to survive in my world was to keep quiet and go with the flow. The flow being stealing, drugs, and anything else that would prove to my "friends that I was one of them.. Secretly I knew I wasn't.. I remember at 12 years old my first babysitting job.. She was a welfare mother whose house was a garbage dump and she had 5 kids..She blew all her money on cigarettes and Bingo.. By the time I was 13, when she didn't have money to pay me, she would give me "speed". remember "crossroads", the little white pills with the x on them? Enterprising young lady I was, I sold them mostly.. I always knew I wanted more, and my Mom had drilled education into our brains.. On I went to school, very few friends,and countless abusive relationships..All grown up now, I am filled with gratitude that I never followed through on my plan to leave the world and all it's pain behind. I was able to find what Hope Fields calls "The Gems".. My Gems are---My first therapist (we'll call her Jeanne), who taught me that it was ok to be angry, feel fear, and how to stop allowing it to consume me...My History teacher in High School, who told me in spite of having cut almost all his classes, that I had a good soul, and was capable of much much more in a way that made me believe him..The first time I fell in love, with someone who told me I was beautiful AND smart....in a way that made me believe him... The day I was accepted to a college and given a full scholarship, based on merits alone..The first night I spent alone in a new apartment..The award I recieved for volunteering at a homeless shelter..The first time I went to the ocean alone, and walked all day, and made a friend..The Birth of my Sons.. The feeling of their warm fuzzy heads on my shoulder..Watching them sleep (Even now!)..It took me years to find my talents, sense of worth, and live my life the best way I can.. I have days when I simply can't leave the safety of my home, that sucks!I do know this.. It was a long strange trip, but I'm glad I stuck around for it.. All of my Gems came to me when I least expected them to..Maybe when I needed them most? That, in and of itself is a Gem..
Peace*,
Mad

Seasons of...

2005-12-31T15:09:00.000-08:00

Five hundrend twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundrend twenty five thousand moments so dear
Five hundrend twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year
In daylight, sunsets,
in midnights,
in cups of coffee,
In inches, in miles
in laughter in strive,
In Five hundrend twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life
(chorus)
How about Love
how about love
how about love
measure in love
seasons of love
seasons of love

Five hundrend twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundrend twenty five thousand journeys to plan
Five hundrend twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure the life of a woman or a man
In truth that she learned or in times that he cried
In the bridges she burned
or the way that he died
Its time now to sing out
though the story never ends
lets celebrate remember a year in the life of friends

Happy New Year to each and every one of you :)
May the New Year bring happiness to all . Sending white light out to you!
Peace*,
Mad

Family "Dynamics"

2005-12-30T07:57:00.000-08:00

Yup, that's how I refer to the fucked up goings on between various members of our clan..Last night was my family's Christmas together, meaning my brother's and respective spouses and kids. All but one brother was there- He and his opted out, as the host family and they seem to have some issues.I guess it goes way back, stupid shit, really- One guy's wife can be a bitch- seriously, but I have found over the years how easily she can be put in her place, and have mastered the art of doing so with a smile on my face.
The brother who was absent is my favorite brother, D.. I adore him and I had mixed feelings about being there without them, I mean, all things aside they are family, and we should all be together on these occasions. But, alas, his choice. I do know that his wife and daughters are not comfortable around the other Bro and company, and are clearly not treated as warmly as the rest of us by them, so yeah, I'd say fuck em' and stay away, too. We did have xmas eve with that brother and his fam, just me and my boys, and I actually liked it better because the kids got to hang out (they are very close) and we got to visit and relax without 20 other people meandering around.
I have, however, resolved to resolve this crap- It's not my deal, I know, but I love every one of them, faults and all, and it hurts to see anyone left out, by their own choice or not.. Now, how to go about this will be tricky, first I have to get them in a mutual place - that's easy- Next, to approach this gently- I have a knack for saying what's on my mind- not in a cruel way, but as my brothers affectionately describe me "No flies on her" and "one never has to guess what she's thinking"..I've found this an effective way to communicate, and most people appreciate it, actually..Okk, so there is yet another part of my boring life- trying to fix all that is broken and live in peace and harmony among my brothers. Now if I look at my own relationship..uugh!! Maybe that's why I'm so focussed on this- I so don't want to deal with b/f and my own issues just yet.. I see a goodbye in my future. Hopefully planning this mini- Oprah reunion will put off my planning of his demise (FIGURATIVELY, of course), and who knows, maybe he'll see the light before he gets the Heave-ho.. Off to shop andthink more on this..

Thanks everyone for welcoming me back :) You can't know how good it feels to know you're all there. And there's some Gooooood shit to read here!!! LOLOL Damn, I missed you all!!!
Peace*,
Mad

It seems like a good idea...

2005-12-28T14:22:00.000-08:00

So I'm here. Need to get my ass in gear and spiff things up a bit, so for awhile my blog will look like a fucking 3 year old designed it, but WTF, the words and sentiments will still be here. So now tell me what you all have been up to? I've missed reading you daily and have done a little catch-up but you know, that'll take me like forever, and someone will be sittin here next to me wiping the drool off my chin and checking my depends for moisture before I finish all there is to see :)
Just thought I was finally ready for a change- I miss my "real" friends- you, know, the ones who are kind, and funny and down to earth- not blowing sunshine up each other's asses every 5 minutes. I've learned alot about people these past few months. Remember the pic of the wolf with the sheepskin over there? Well, he's still rearing his stupid head, but thinks he's the "invisible wolf".. I hate people who think they are clever with everyone.. The word Karma keeps popping up..wonder why?
So not much interesting to say today, or actually just I'm too lazy.. Catch up with you peeps later :)
Peace*,
Mad

Coming out of the Dark

2005-10-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Hey !
Where are you all? I'm still trying to navigate this site-I'm ordinarily a fast learner, but WTF? This is way beyond me, lol. Babs,Apos, Denise, haz- thanks for the welcomes-I miss you, babs, it sux --> ovah theah without you..Guess I'll have to stalk all yer asses here! If you can explain to me in terms I might understand ( I'm a tard sometimes) could you tell me how to add your names to my links? Muchos Gracias! Later,
Peace*,
Mad

Coming out of the dark..

2005-10-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

Hi, and welcome to my blog.
Just testing the waters here. Will write more about me later.
Peace*,
Mad